Last month she stopped letting me rock her to sleep.

This week she just wants to cuddle her "Lovey Bear". 

Soon she will be walking, then talking, then leaving for kindergarten...

So when I tell you "no, I cannot be your 'song leader,' or 'just throw together' a song for your event...tomorrow" please understand that I already feel guilt for "not using my gifts." 

Right now I will be "Mama." And you and I will have to be ok with that. 

Because they will grow up too fast, and I refuse to spend these few years feeling bad about this investment of time. 

Seriously Serious

I came to the realization today that I take myself WAY too seriously.

Yesterday the clerk at the costco register was joking around with the busy customers, making rhymes about peoples' groceries. She was having so much fun, it was infectious! And the craziest part was that she was being trained! I would have been nervous!

Today I went to the post office and stood second in line for 30 minutes. I was feeling stressed when I looked back at the line behind me. Everyone was dead silent looking straight ahead. Then I thought about the clerk from the day before. She was choosing to have fun and be silly when everyone around would have otherwise stayed in a funk.

 I'm not sure why this is so profound to me, but it seems to be the root of so many of my problems! Road rage, insecurity, anxiety, embarrassment, bitterness, fear, feelings of inadequacy, perfectionism, pride, hurt feelings, self-focus, pressure of expectations...all I have to tell myself is, "stop taking yourself so seriously!" And these feelings vanish! 

Maybe it has something to do with Grace. I have more for myself, so I have more to offer? 

Hmm

I will have to think more about this. 

Dear Daughter (letter#1)

•Dress like you want to be respected. No one respects someone who dresses like a prostitute. 

You may think that dressing like they gives you power because it makes men look at you, but dressing like that causes men to treat you with disrespect. 

If a man tries to awaken your sexuality before you belong to him he does not respect you! 

Look at the women who are powerful and dignified and who people fully respect. The queen. A princess. Opera. How do they dress? And how go people respond to them? 

•It will feel really important in high school to be popular. Like being a celebrity. But I look at all of my classmates who were popular back then and ten years later they have not really made anything of themselves! Except the ones who have changed their focus from popularity. The athletes hurt their knees and are now too old to play. They wish they could have been young and athletic forever. They miss being in high school and still drink and party like they have no responsibilities. They are alcoholics now who are still dressing to have "power" over men, but it never gets them the respect they so desire. 

It's the serious dorks and nerds that really make it in life! College really is for nerds. Anyone who specializes in a field becomes a "nerd" but that is just a derogatory term for "smart person" that dumb people use to make themselves feel better about themselves. In fact, now most of my closest friends are people who were "nerds" in high school! No one really thinks about that stuff when they are out of high school... Well, except for the ones who were really popular and want to go back to high school. 

•When you disrespect someone, sit and feel what it does to your insides. Don't ignore or cover up those feelings. It makes you feel dirty and ugly inside. Then go and apologize. Ask forgiveness from God, then ask forgiveness from that person. Even if you don't like them. They can be disrespectful to you or rude, but that is not your problem and they are only hurting themselves and feeling ugly inside. You are responsible for YOU, and no one else! 

•It may feel like the most important thing in the world to not be alone in life, but there are much worse things. Many people choose to marry (or just live with) men who do not respect them. That is an incredibly painful life. There is nothing quite so painful as being partnered with someone who does not value you. You want to be with someone who sees you as a strong, capable, dignified, respectable, intelligent, emotional (but not irrational), internally beautiful woman! It only takes a few years for your young outer beauty to start to fade, so do not spend too much time worrying about that. Your beauty is fun, but it does not last and does not make a marriage last! But if you marry someone who knows your inner beauty, they will always see you as beautiful, even when you're old and wrinkly. Even if you get in an accident that disfigured your face, or you gain a lot of weight from having kids. Internal beauty does not fade, but usually just gets more beautiful.

It's the hard work and companionship, and deep dependence on God that make marriage not only last, but make it enjoyable. Bad marriages exist for years too, and that's no better than divorce. Work hard for your marriage if you do get married, but its ok to not get married too! One is not better than the other. In face singleness allows for a lot of freedom! You can travel without even having to consider correlating schedules with your mate and kids! 

But for me, having you is one of the most incredible things in the world. I wouldn't trade all of the freedom in the world for my family. 

I love you and I want the best for you,

Love, your Mom

Olivia's Birth Story ** TMI WARNING**

This is the story of Olivia Grace's birth so if that kind of thing grosses you out, feel free to read no further. you have been warned!!
This pregnancy has been much different from what I expected pregnancy to be. There was a time in the middle where everything felt good, but other than that I have just felt uncomfortable and nervous. Starting at 30 weeks I started getting too many braxton hicks contractions. From that point on I began worrying about my little girl. At 34 weeks I was sent to the hospital for a second time to be monitored for contractions. I was diagnosed with a possible UTI and put on antibiotics and ordered to drink more water. At that point I really started to take it easy. Resting on the couch most days and pulling back from ministry. At just before 36 weeks I mentioned to my NP that I had been having 8-10 BH contractions an hour for several nights. So they had me come in go be checked for preterm labor the next morning. There my OB started me on nifedipine to stop contractions. That slowed them down for a few days. At my next check up they noticed I had high BP, so they ordered blood tests. The following day I was feeling dizzy so I called into the office and they had me come in to check my BP again. It was still elevated and my blood tests came back indicating high uric acid. So they sent me straight to the hospital to be monitored. While there my BP was normal but they had me do a 24-hr urine catch and come back the next day for more monitoring. My BP was normal that time too so they sent me home, later finding my urine to be protein-free.
My dr had just gone out of the country so my next appointment would be with her OB husband. My BP was barely elevated at that monday appointment and so he wanted me to come back for another appointment Thursday (38 weeks) and said at that point we would quit nifedipine and go onto a BP med.

I passed my mucous plug wed morning and started having loose stools. I quit nifedipine Wednesday night knowing that Thursday I would be 38 weeks and allowed to go into labor. At my thursday appointment I was checked and at a one super high up. No dropped baby... :( so knowing that usually comes a couple of weeks before birth, I was disappointed. The dr (mine was out of the country) said I had about a 45% chance of going into labor after passing my plug. My BP was normal so we did not decide to do medication for it (I personally believe the nifedipine was actually giving me high BP but the dr said that's not possible as it is also an anti hypertensive med. I still think it did because I had no issues before or after using it).

...So we decided to walk around the new wal mart and try to get her to drop. We bought some grapefruit juice because I couldn't stop thinking about it after walking by the first time. We got back in the car, I chugged the juice and we headed home.
Friday morning at around 4am I could no longer sleep through my " braxton hicks" (or so I thought they were). Then I noticed cramping that came rhythmically with them that made me feel like I had a period and diarrhea, so I was starting to think maybe these could be the real deal! I let Caleb sleep because that's what every other birth story has said they did, and when he woke up at around 7:30 I told him I thought maybe we were in for the real thing within the next couple of days.
He was going to go into work for a couple of hours but decided it was not necessary and that he would stay home. And so we had a long day of just kinda sitting around. I would get a contraction then have to pee right after ( that hand towel never dried all day). We walked around the block twice but baby was still really feeling high. I hoped that didn't matter too much. Caleb went out and bought me a bunch of early labor appropriate foods and I just kinda snacked and nibbled all day. In the evening we decided to watch "wind talkers"-pausing for my increasingly strong contractions. I would be bouncing on my birthing ball and one would come so I'd drop to my knees, grab the ball and rock while Caleb pressed on my lower back. Then I would use the restroom and come back. We would turn the movie on and watch again for a 5-11 minutes before another contraction came and we would start again. ( that movie took forever!) I kept being discouraged because after a few 6 or 7 min spaces we would have a 9 or 11 minute space. It was getting close to midnight and I knew I would not be able to sleep more than 6 or 7 minutes at a time if we went to bed. But then suddenly with about 5 min left of our movie i had a few two min gap contractions. They came a lot stronger. Suddenly I knew we needed to head over to the hospital. I was really afraid we would get there and be sent home because I could feel she was still quite high. But Caleb's parents live within five minutes of the hospital so we figured we could just go there and wait it out if we had to.
We checked into the hospital and got hooked up to the monitors, and come to find out our contractions were four minutes apart! Also I was dilated to a 3! They had me walk the halls for an hour and when I got back I was at a 4! So they admitted me and we got a room! They asked if I wanted an epidural. I said I'm not sure and I want to see what my body can handle. The contractions were bearable with breathing and lower back counter pressure. I lost track of time as contractions increased in strength. The nurses were very supportive that I wanted to go as natural as possible, and they even let me stay out of bed as long as I stayed within the cord reach of the monitor machine and IV.
After a several hours I requested that they check my progress. I was at a 6 and feeling very painful contractions so I finally asked for something to dull the pain. They gave me a shot that made my eyes cross and let me rest.
An hour later my contractions came back full strength and I was at about 6 or 7cm. So I got another of those shots and the same thing. I slept for an hour then woke to extremely painful contractions I was now moaning and breathing loudly through. They hurt so badly at that point I was up on my toes and feeling like I was going to lose my mind. I no longer wanted counter pressure but just gentle rubbing on my lower back and pelvic joints. I lost it and just started crying saying "i don't think j can do this" because the " breaks" between contractions were around 30 seconds and even then the breaks were not comfortable, while the contractions were lasting around two minutes. I was afraid my water would break and the contractions would get even worse, so it was impossible to relax down there.
Finally when the nurse came in and checked me I was at an 8 ( if she stretched me). So we asked to see if it was too late for an epidural. They said no! And he got there within about three contractions! The hardest part was sitting on the edge on the bed and keeping my back bowed as he inserted the catheter (sitting through a contraction felt 10x worse than leaning and rocking through one). I felt almost immediate relief.
They shut off the lights and we slept for a couple of hours. I was so exhausted by that point because I had been awake for 30 hours. When I woke up I noticed NCIS was on TV so I watched passively with the sound off. After a while the nurse came in and checked me. I was at 9cm with just a buttery lip left keeping it from being a 10. As she checked me my water finally broke. The nurse had me do a couple of practice pushes to see if we could move the cervix lip. I think as she set things up for pushing I rested a little longer. When she came back to check me I was 10cm!! So she paged the dr and had me start to push. Baby moved down quite quickly! So much that the nurse after maybe 12 pushes went out to check and be sure the dr was coming! I pushed till the baby crowned ( i got to touch her head) then had to wait as the dr arrived and got everything situated. Waiting to push was hard but just a lot of pressure. Breathing through the contractions helped.
Finally I was told I could push, and after about 6 more pushes baby Olivia came!! They put her right on my skin and she was just perfect!! I kept talking to her and kissing her. I noticed she has my funny ears :) Then I noticed Caleb falling over. He must have looked at the situation down below. I would have done the same thing if I could see it. He had passed out and all I could think was how funny it was. The nurses panicked and called in more to help him. Poor guy... He woke right up very pale but was aware. So that distracted me pretty well from my stitches. I had a second degree tear.
Baby Olivia almost immediately started squirming and scooting toward my breast which I thought was pretty incredible. I had missed my breastfeeding class so it was all on her before the lactation consultants visited us later. She latched on easily and nursed for a bit before getting cleaned up by the nurse.
They took Caleb away down to ER to be sure his head and elbow were alright after his fall so I just tried to rest while Olivia sat under the heating lights.
When Caleb came back he got to hold her (without spotters).
We rested for probably an hour more before some family and up.
We were so proud!
I was so impressed with the staff and nurses. They supported me through every decision and never even offered me interventions, but just followed my lead. I am so happy with my labor. I accomplished what I came to do- to do what my body could do, and not try to be a hero. I feel I can relate to the raw pain of natural childbirth but also I can relate to those who opt for pain relief. It was such an empowering experience! Although next time I think I will get the epidural closer to the beginning on transition instead of a few hours into it. :) that is, unless I am handling the pain alright!

The Respect Dare

In my Bible study we are beginning to go through a couple of books. The Men are going through The Love Dare, while the women go through the Respect Dare (by Nina Roesner). (Funny, because for the first three weeks Caleb is gone for training in the Bay area). Anyways, every day is a new study that ends with a dare. Day one through like 4 were pretty much introductions to the book but the rest have been pretty deep.

These have been:
Dare 5: For this entire day don't argue with your husband about anything he says, even if you think he is completely wrong. This is not to be treated as a doormat, but rather an opportunity to discern how self-controlled you are.
Dare 6: Today while continuing to be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry, do one act of kindness or a chore for your husband that you know is important to him. Choose to have a positive attitude, don't expect him to notice, don't tell him you did it, and in this- love without expectation or resentment.
Dare 7: In an effort to communicate respect today, only speak words that encourage your husband, and refrain from communicating with  him or about him in a way that diminishes him.
Dare 8: Write down your husbands strengths (the ones that you were aware of when you first got married). Tell your husband what you wrote down and why, and then comment to him how these strengths are still present in his character.
Dare 9: While being slow to anger, slow to speak, and quick to listen, actively choose to extend grace to you husband. If he says something that hurts you, or forgets something of importance to you, actively choose to not take something personally.

One thing I cannot grasp yet though, which they ask in almost every dare:
"How does doing________NOT make you a doormat?" 
For instance, how does overlooking an offense not make you a doormat? I'm struggling with this because for so long I was a professional doormat. I would not react to anything mean said about me and it made me feel like a trash can. Sometimes...well, no. LOTS of times it seems like the nice people just get walked all over! I see this all over my school. You have one nice girl who treats all people well, so everyone treats her like crap!
 So where's the line?
Obviously I definitely see where I could lighten up being offended with Caleb, because let's be honest: he's pretty gentle with words. But I would like to understand what the line is between reacting with offense, and standing up for myself.
Not sure if people read this, but I would love some discussion on this topic.

I Must Admit...

Many of my family members have struggled with "chemical imbalance." So it's difficult for me to admit that most of my "adult," post-high-school life I have struggled with Depression. And I know it usually stems from Anxiety. What happens it that I have always been one to internalize and personalize everyone's emotions. I'm not really sure why this happens but it completely whipes me out...and I'm guessing my immune system and adrenal glands as well. If I have time to think about it I will try to sit down, uninterrupted, and submit my worries to God's control, and that always helps. But aside from that I seem to always have this lingering....almost sadness??...more of a lack of well being, like I know something's off. Unfortunately I tend to try to point a finger to find something or someone to blame.
Recently it has been in my marriage. I KNOW my sadness it not because of something Caleb is doing wrong, but it seems like the blame falls on him because of proximity.
I had an amazing teacher at Fresno State named Dr. Price-Sharps. She taught Abnormal Psychology, and it was the most intreaguing and engrossing class I took. I was on the edge of my seat every class, AND it was a night class. I never even almost fell asleep. She was teaching us about depression and I asked her if it was worse in the morning. She said no! She explained exactly what that was. She went on to tell the class about Adrenal Fatigue. This is where a person who is stressed overuses their adrenaline supply. Adrenaline accounts for many good things. And once it is depleted, it is difficult to replenish it without some extra help. B vitamins are supposed to work wonders for this. I took my first pill a couple of years ago, and it seemed to give me a tiny boost of happiness.
Then I came across a sub-lingual B Complex from the B Alive store, and just as the lady told me behind the counter- after three days I began to notice a marked difference. It was as if a dark cloud had been lifted from over my head. Last semester I got pretty good about taking one a day at lunch, and I stopped needing a nap to get me through the day- even though I was working long hours with many children. Then my supply ran out and I put off refilling it...for about four months. And recently I have been seriously moody. Everything agitated me, down to stoplights, and hugs from my husband! So I knew I needed a boost. Four days ago I bought more B, and what a difference! I feel alive and even happy. And for the first time in forever...I feel like I want to be with friends! I had no idea how antisocial I have become until I found out one of my good friends is moving across the ocean...and she did not tell me. Another good friend recently moved out of the country and I had no idea until the day she left.
I feel like I have been an awful friend, but more than that, I want to be a good friend! And I feel like I finally have the energy and capacity to do that!

This is Fun! Loving the bread making :)