Last month she stopped letting me rock her to sleep.

This week she just wants to cuddle her "Lovey Bear". 

Soon she will be walking, then talking, then leaving for kindergarten...

So when I tell you "no, I cannot be your 'song leader,' or 'just throw together' a song for your event...tomorrow" please understand that I already feel guilt for "not using my gifts." 

Right now I will be "Mama." And you and I will have to be ok with that. 

Because they will grow up too fast, and I refuse to spend these few years feeling bad about this investment of time. 

Seriously Serious

I came to the realization today that I take myself WAY too seriously.

Yesterday the clerk at the costco register was joking around with the busy customers, making rhymes about peoples' groceries. She was having so much fun, it was infectious! And the craziest part was that she was being trained! I would have been nervous!

Today I went to the post office and stood second in line for 30 minutes. I was feeling stressed when I looked back at the line behind me. Everyone was dead silent looking straight ahead. Then I thought about the clerk from the day before. She was choosing to have fun and be silly when everyone around would have otherwise stayed in a funk.

 I'm not sure why this is so profound to me, but it seems to be the root of so many of my problems! Road rage, insecurity, anxiety, embarrassment, bitterness, fear, feelings of inadequacy, perfectionism, pride, hurt feelings, self-focus, pressure of expectations...all I have to tell myself is, "stop taking yourself so seriously!" And these feelings vanish! 

Maybe it has something to do with Grace. I have more for myself, so I have more to offer? 

Hmm

I will have to think more about this. 

Dear Daughter (letter#1)

•Dress like you want to be respected. No one respects someone who dresses like a prostitute. 

You may think that dressing like they gives you power because it makes men look at you, but dressing like that causes men to treat you with disrespect. 

If a man tries to awaken your sexuality before you belong to him he does not respect you! 

Look at the women who are powerful and dignified and who people fully respect. The queen. A princess. Opera. How do they dress? And how go people respond to them? 

•It will feel really important in high school to be popular. Like being a celebrity. But I look at all of my classmates who were popular back then and ten years later they have not really made anything of themselves! Except the ones who have changed their focus from popularity. The athletes hurt their knees and are now too old to play. They wish they could have been young and athletic forever. They miss being in high school and still drink and party like they have no responsibilities. They are alcoholics now who are still dressing to have "power" over men, but it never gets them the respect they so desire. 

It's the serious dorks and nerds that really make it in life! College really is for nerds. Anyone who specializes in a field becomes a "nerd" but that is just a derogatory term for "smart person" that dumb people use to make themselves feel better about themselves. In fact, now most of my closest friends are people who were "nerds" in high school! No one really thinks about that stuff when they are out of high school... Well, except for the ones who were really popular and want to go back to high school. 

•When you disrespect someone, sit and feel what it does to your insides. Don't ignore or cover up those feelings. It makes you feel dirty and ugly inside. Then go and apologize. Ask forgiveness from God, then ask forgiveness from that person. Even if you don't like them. They can be disrespectful to you or rude, but that is not your problem and they are only hurting themselves and feeling ugly inside. You are responsible for YOU, and no one else! 

•It may feel like the most important thing in the world to not be alone in life, but there are much worse things. Many people choose to marry (or just live with) men who do not respect them. That is an incredibly painful life. There is nothing quite so painful as being partnered with someone who does not value you. You want to be with someone who sees you as a strong, capable, dignified, respectable, intelligent, emotional (but not irrational), internally beautiful woman! It only takes a few years for your young outer beauty to start to fade, so do not spend too much time worrying about that. Your beauty is fun, but it does not last and does not make a marriage last! But if you marry someone who knows your inner beauty, they will always see you as beautiful, even when you're old and wrinkly. Even if you get in an accident that disfigured your face, or you gain a lot of weight from having kids. Internal beauty does not fade, but usually just gets more beautiful.

It's the hard work and companionship, and deep dependence on God that make marriage not only last, but make it enjoyable. Bad marriages exist for years too, and that's no better than divorce. Work hard for your marriage if you do get married, but its ok to not get married too! One is not better than the other. In face singleness allows for a lot of freedom! You can travel without even having to consider correlating schedules with your mate and kids! 

But for me, having you is one of the most incredible things in the world. I wouldn't trade all of the freedom in the world for my family. 

I love you and I want the best for you,

Love, your Mom

Olivia's Birth Story ** TMI WARNING**

This is the story of Olivia Grace's birth so if that kind of thing grosses you out, feel free to read no further. you have been warned!!
This pregnancy has been much different from what I expected pregnancy to be. There was a time in the middle where everything felt good, but other than that I have just felt uncomfortable and nervous. Starting at 30 weeks I started getting too many braxton hicks contractions. From that point on I began worrying about my little girl. At 34 weeks I was sent to the hospital for a second time to be monitored for contractions. I was diagnosed with a possible UTI and put on antibiotics and ordered to drink more water. At that point I really started to take it easy. Resting on the couch most days and pulling back from ministry. At just before 36 weeks I mentioned to my NP that I had been having 8-10 BH contractions an hour for several nights. So they had me come in go be checked for preterm labor the next morning. There my OB started me on nifedipine to stop contractions. That slowed them down for a few days. At my next check up they noticed I had high BP, so they ordered blood tests. The following day I was feeling dizzy so I called into the office and they had me come in to check my BP again. It was still elevated and my blood tests came back indicating high uric acid. So they sent me straight to the hospital to be monitored. While there my BP was normal but they had me do a 24-hr urine catch and come back the next day for more monitoring. My BP was normal that time too so they sent me home, later finding my urine to be protein-free.
My dr had just gone out of the country so my next appointment would be with her OB husband. My BP was barely elevated at that monday appointment and so he wanted me to come back for another appointment Thursday (38 weeks) and said at that point we would quit nifedipine and go onto a BP med.

I passed my mucous plug wed morning and started having loose stools. I quit nifedipine Wednesday night knowing that Thursday I would be 38 weeks and allowed to go into labor. At my thursday appointment I was checked and at a one super high up. No dropped baby... :( so knowing that usually comes a couple of weeks before birth, I was disappointed. The dr (mine was out of the country) said I had about a 45% chance of going into labor after passing my plug. My BP was normal so we did not decide to do medication for it (I personally believe the nifedipine was actually giving me high BP but the dr said that's not possible as it is also an anti hypertensive med. I still think it did because I had no issues before or after using it).

...So we decided to walk around the new wal mart and try to get her to drop. We bought some grapefruit juice because I couldn't stop thinking about it after walking by the first time. We got back in the car, I chugged the juice and we headed home.
Friday morning at around 4am I could no longer sleep through my " braxton hicks" (or so I thought they were). Then I noticed cramping that came rhythmically with them that made me feel like I had a period and diarrhea, so I was starting to think maybe these could be the real deal! I let Caleb sleep because that's what every other birth story has said they did, and when he woke up at around 7:30 I told him I thought maybe we were in for the real thing within the next couple of days.
He was going to go into work for a couple of hours but decided it was not necessary and that he would stay home. And so we had a long day of just kinda sitting around. I would get a contraction then have to pee right after ( that hand towel never dried all day). We walked around the block twice but baby was still really feeling high. I hoped that didn't matter too much. Caleb went out and bought me a bunch of early labor appropriate foods and I just kinda snacked and nibbled all day. In the evening we decided to watch "wind talkers"-pausing for my increasingly strong contractions. I would be bouncing on my birthing ball and one would come so I'd drop to my knees, grab the ball and rock while Caleb pressed on my lower back. Then I would use the restroom and come back. We would turn the movie on and watch again for a 5-11 minutes before another contraction came and we would start again. ( that movie took forever!) I kept being discouraged because after a few 6 or 7 min spaces we would have a 9 or 11 minute space. It was getting close to midnight and I knew I would not be able to sleep more than 6 or 7 minutes at a time if we went to bed. But then suddenly with about 5 min left of our movie i had a few two min gap contractions. They came a lot stronger. Suddenly I knew we needed to head over to the hospital. I was really afraid we would get there and be sent home because I could feel she was still quite high. But Caleb's parents live within five minutes of the hospital so we figured we could just go there and wait it out if we had to.
We checked into the hospital and got hooked up to the monitors, and come to find out our contractions were four minutes apart! Also I was dilated to a 3! They had me walk the halls for an hour and when I got back I was at a 4! So they admitted me and we got a room! They asked if I wanted an epidural. I said I'm not sure and I want to see what my body can handle. The contractions were bearable with breathing and lower back counter pressure. I lost track of time as contractions increased in strength. The nurses were very supportive that I wanted to go as natural as possible, and they even let me stay out of bed as long as I stayed within the cord reach of the monitor machine and IV.
After a several hours I requested that they check my progress. I was at a 6 and feeling very painful contractions so I finally asked for something to dull the pain. They gave me a shot that made my eyes cross and let me rest.
An hour later my contractions came back full strength and I was at about 6 or 7cm. So I got another of those shots and the same thing. I slept for an hour then woke to extremely painful contractions I was now moaning and breathing loudly through. They hurt so badly at that point I was up on my toes and feeling like I was going to lose my mind. I no longer wanted counter pressure but just gentle rubbing on my lower back and pelvic joints. I lost it and just started crying saying "i don't think j can do this" because the " breaks" between contractions were around 30 seconds and even then the breaks were not comfortable, while the contractions were lasting around two minutes. I was afraid my water would break and the contractions would get even worse, so it was impossible to relax down there.
Finally when the nurse came in and checked me I was at an 8 ( if she stretched me). So we asked to see if it was too late for an epidural. They said no! And he got there within about three contractions! The hardest part was sitting on the edge on the bed and keeping my back bowed as he inserted the catheter (sitting through a contraction felt 10x worse than leaning and rocking through one). I felt almost immediate relief.
They shut off the lights and we slept for a couple of hours. I was so exhausted by that point because I had been awake for 30 hours. When I woke up I noticed NCIS was on TV so I watched passively with the sound off. After a while the nurse came in and checked me. I was at 9cm with just a buttery lip left keeping it from being a 10. As she checked me my water finally broke. The nurse had me do a couple of practice pushes to see if we could move the cervix lip. I think as she set things up for pushing I rested a little longer. When she came back to check me I was 10cm!! So she paged the dr and had me start to push. Baby moved down quite quickly! So much that the nurse after maybe 12 pushes went out to check and be sure the dr was coming! I pushed till the baby crowned ( i got to touch her head) then had to wait as the dr arrived and got everything situated. Waiting to push was hard but just a lot of pressure. Breathing through the contractions helped.
Finally I was told I could push, and after about 6 more pushes baby Olivia came!! They put her right on my skin and she was just perfect!! I kept talking to her and kissing her. I noticed she has my funny ears :) Then I noticed Caleb falling over. He must have looked at the situation down below. I would have done the same thing if I could see it. He had passed out and all I could think was how funny it was. The nurses panicked and called in more to help him. Poor guy... He woke right up very pale but was aware. So that distracted me pretty well from my stitches. I had a second degree tear.
Baby Olivia almost immediately started squirming and scooting toward my breast which I thought was pretty incredible. I had missed my breastfeeding class so it was all on her before the lactation consultants visited us later. She latched on easily and nursed for a bit before getting cleaned up by the nurse.
They took Caleb away down to ER to be sure his head and elbow were alright after his fall so I just tried to rest while Olivia sat under the heating lights.
When Caleb came back he got to hold her (without spotters).
We rested for probably an hour more before some family and up.
We were so proud!
I was so impressed with the staff and nurses. They supported me through every decision and never even offered me interventions, but just followed my lead. I am so happy with my labor. I accomplished what I came to do- to do what my body could do, and not try to be a hero. I feel I can relate to the raw pain of natural childbirth but also I can relate to those who opt for pain relief. It was such an empowering experience! Although next time I think I will get the epidural closer to the beginning on transition instead of a few hours into it. :) that is, unless I am handling the pain alright!

The Respect Dare

In my Bible study we are beginning to go through a couple of books. The Men are going through The Love Dare, while the women go through the Respect Dare (by Nina Roesner). (Funny, because for the first three weeks Caleb is gone for training in the Bay area). Anyways, every day is a new study that ends with a dare. Day one through like 4 were pretty much introductions to the book but the rest have been pretty deep.

These have been:
Dare 5: For this entire day don't argue with your husband about anything he says, even if you think he is completely wrong. This is not to be treated as a doormat, but rather an opportunity to discern how self-controlled you are.
Dare 6: Today while continuing to be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry, do one act of kindness or a chore for your husband that you know is important to him. Choose to have a positive attitude, don't expect him to notice, don't tell him you did it, and in this- love without expectation or resentment.
Dare 7: In an effort to communicate respect today, only speak words that encourage your husband, and refrain from communicating with  him or about him in a way that diminishes him.
Dare 8: Write down your husbands strengths (the ones that you were aware of when you first got married). Tell your husband what you wrote down and why, and then comment to him how these strengths are still present in his character.
Dare 9: While being slow to anger, slow to speak, and quick to listen, actively choose to extend grace to you husband. If he says something that hurts you, or forgets something of importance to you, actively choose to not take something personally.

One thing I cannot grasp yet though, which they ask in almost every dare:
"How does doing________NOT make you a doormat?" 
For instance, how does overlooking an offense not make you a doormat? I'm struggling with this because for so long I was a professional doormat. I would not react to anything mean said about me and it made me feel like a trash can. Sometimes...well, no. LOTS of times it seems like the nice people just get walked all over! I see this all over my school. You have one nice girl who treats all people well, so everyone treats her like crap!
 So where's the line?
Obviously I definitely see where I could lighten up being offended with Caleb, because let's be honest: he's pretty gentle with words. But I would like to understand what the line is between reacting with offense, and standing up for myself.
Not sure if people read this, but I would love some discussion on this topic.

I Must Admit...

Many of my family members have struggled with "chemical imbalance." So it's difficult for me to admit that most of my "adult," post-high-school life I have struggled with Depression. And I know it usually stems from Anxiety. What happens it that I have always been one to internalize and personalize everyone's emotions. I'm not really sure why this happens but it completely whipes me out...and I'm guessing my immune system and adrenal glands as well. If I have time to think about it I will try to sit down, uninterrupted, and submit my worries to God's control, and that always helps. But aside from that I seem to always have this lingering....almost sadness??...more of a lack of well being, like I know something's off. Unfortunately I tend to try to point a finger to find something or someone to blame.
Recently it has been in my marriage. I KNOW my sadness it not because of something Caleb is doing wrong, but it seems like the blame falls on him because of proximity.
I had an amazing teacher at Fresno State named Dr. Price-Sharps. She taught Abnormal Psychology, and it was the most intreaguing and engrossing class I took. I was on the edge of my seat every class, AND it was a night class. I never even almost fell asleep. She was teaching us about depression and I asked her if it was worse in the morning. She said no! She explained exactly what that was. She went on to tell the class about Adrenal Fatigue. This is where a person who is stressed overuses their adrenaline supply. Adrenaline accounts for many good things. And once it is depleted, it is difficult to replenish it without some extra help. B vitamins are supposed to work wonders for this. I took my first pill a couple of years ago, and it seemed to give me a tiny boost of happiness.
Then I came across a sub-lingual B Complex from the B Alive store, and just as the lady told me behind the counter- after three days I began to notice a marked difference. It was as if a dark cloud had been lifted from over my head. Last semester I got pretty good about taking one a day at lunch, and I stopped needing a nap to get me through the day- even though I was working long hours with many children. Then my supply ran out and I put off refilling it...for about four months. And recently I have been seriously moody. Everything agitated me, down to stoplights, and hugs from my husband! So I knew I needed a boost. Four days ago I bought more B, and what a difference! I feel alive and even happy. And for the first time in forever...I feel like I want to be with friends! I had no idea how antisocial I have become until I found out one of my good friends is moving across the ocean...and she did not tell me. Another good friend recently moved out of the country and I had no idea until the day she left.
I feel like I have been an awful friend, but more than that, I want to be a good friend! And I feel like I finally have the energy and capacity to do that!

This is Fun! Loving the bread making :)

sometimes significant things sound so small....

The past couple of months have been so busy. I am in Laton 10.25 hours a day now and it sure eats up my life. Work has been good...better now that I have been making a better effort to not be harsh with my kids.

 My little girl with autism has been having a tough year. She has literally been absent at LEAST one day a week, with most weeks being two days absent. When she IS at school she is pretty much usless as a student because she is so sick, with sinus infections, a nasty cough, and even a possible kidney infection. So needless to say, teaching has been a painfully slow and tedious. Lately I have been feeling inadequate in my knowledge of autism. One day I counted ten tantrums! And she goes home at one!

She spent much of last week's speech therapy looking around the room, unable to focus on the games.

But praise God for days like today.

Today we worked on the computer with a word building game shere she was shown a picture and asked to add the correct beginning letter. At first it was hit or miss. Then I started to say the letter she needed. And she started to pick the correct letter almost every time (she had a little trouble with P). And this is just incredible! Understanding the concept of spoken language having meaning...that has been a major roadblock. She had been doing well understanding pictures as symbols of objects, but not verbal language.

So I just wanted to say it, even though it sounds teeny...

Diet...

So here I am at the beginning. I have done "diets" before, but they usually just entail feeling bad about the bad stuff I'm eating at the time and hoping to shame myself into eating right.
Not this time!
Nope. I'm actually COMITTED this time!
AND I'm exercising too!
The sad fact is that I live a pretty sedentary life aside from work. And really work is just a lot of standing around. And the real truth is that I DO eat pretty good, so long as I eat at home...
AND SO LONG AS I DON'T HAVE DESSERT WITH EVERY MEAL...
So Caleb and I comitted to exercising three times a week, and we only get to have sweets on weekends and holidays.
My sister-in-law showed me this website where I log in my meals and it calculates caloric value, taking into account calories burned during exercise. And I'm noticing that it's kind of a pain to log in snacks, so I have been refraining from most snacks AND staying below my caloric allottment.
To be honest, I want us to do this, not just to look better, but I want to live better and to have more energy for life, and to increase our years of life together.

Good

In the haste of picking a name for the puppy I never got around to finding the maning of "Tobias." I have always thought than names have a profound effect on someone's life.

Tobias means "God is Good."

How profound that that is one of the things I have been able to rest in through this whole process.

For the Good

His thoughts far surpass ours. His ways are not our own. He works all things for the good of those who love Him and who are called according to His purpose.
I hate it. But I know in retrospect, and even in the moment, in the back of my mind, that when my prayers are not answered according to my will, that God's plans are bigger...especially when the answer is brutally painful.
I know He would not let something so heart wrenching be for nothing.

Tobias died last Saturday and it left me devestated. He was only ours for one week.
I knew by friday night that he was going to die. He had not eaten for several days, and everything I forced down he would vomit. He lost his sweet playfulness and took on a somber sunken look. I had prayed and prayed that he would pull through- that he would begin eating food again before I left to camp sunday morning. I was so nervous about making Caleb take care of him day and night. I begged God to remove the disease from his body and to give the puppy a great future with us.

On friday night I gave him his antibiotics and spent a long time feeding him and giving him water. As soon as I finished he threw it all up. At that moment I knew by the look in his eyes that it was not good. I wept bitterly, feeling hopeless. I verbalized that maybe I should stay home from camp. Caleb told me he thought I should still go.
I laid him down on his blanket fully expecting him to not live through the night.
I woke the next morning dreading that I might find him dead. But he was still alive. Eyes sunken and head drooped, but alive.
I pet him and felt the coldness in his skin and saw the look in his eye that is all too familiar from having a farm.
I went back to bed and cried, telling Caleb "He is going to die."
We got up and I looked up numbers for euthenasia, so relieve his pain, finally deciding to take him to the SPCA.
We walked in and the line was painfully slow. I tried my best to not cry, but it was too sad. When she called us up I choked back tears as I explained our situation. We paid a small fee and signed him over.

When we got back to the car to get him, he had already died.

I cried all day. But even while I cried I knew...That there had to be a reason that he died that day. That he died the day before camp started.
I called my mom to tell her and she prayed like I have never heard her pray. She prayed with power and strength. She said that she had been praying that morning and felt like she should pray against the puppy becoming a distraction from my trip.
I somehow knew that camp would be incredible, but that I absolutely would not have room for distraction.

And somehow Jesus took my pain and put it on pause. I was unable to dwell on my sorrow all week.

Saturday we took about a dozen high schoolers to Woodleaf camp in Challenge, CA. It was by far the most challenging week for me as a Capernaum leader. We normally take very low functioning kids who are really dependent on us physically and emotionally. This year was completely different.
The boys were pretty normal for what we take, but the girls could not have been more different.
One girl in particular did not have a conventional disability. She has bipolar and ADHD. And let me tell you. I was very afraid. She immediately gravitated towards the bad kids of camp. We caught wind that she was planning to have sex with another camper, she hiked up to smoke pot, she verbally assaulted another of our girls, cussing and threatening to "beat the s**t out of her", she hated everything we did, refused to participate in any group activity, and fell asleep during every serious talk. We had no clue what to do with her. But this poor girl has a tougher life than I could ever imagine. She has so much pain in her life and so much hatred toward God.
A few of our campers have their fathers in prison. A couple of them have parents who are homosexual. At least a couple of them have been in trouble with the law on a handful of occasions. I cannot imagine the pain they have experienced.
All of the time I was crying out to God for my puppy her was drawing my heart into Him. As I was mourning that first day He was comforting me.
Because of the pain I experienced before this week, God had my attention and was able to grow my faith as I spoke with Him about these kids.
If Tobias had remained sick after I had left for camp I would not have been able to be fully at camp. My mind would have been home, worried about him.

The reasons don't take away the pain. Coming home and walking into my house brought on a wave of emotions. I still wonder if there was anything else that could have been done. If only I had listened to Caleb when he was apprehensive about getting a second dog...but I know that is a waste of mind space...
I will probably never know fully why everything happened.

But I know he does not waste our pain.

Troubled

Do you ever get that deep sinking feeling you may have made a poor decision?
Tobias is sick...
They told me he had kennel cough when I got him and they gave me medication for him.
He was fine until last night. Suddenly he stopped eating.
So I took him to the vet this morning...and $140.00 later he has a new set of pills, food supplement, and got a hydration bolus.
I feel so bad!
And to make matters worse, I'm going to camp all of next week. So now I have no control over whether or not he gets his treatment...
And now Caleb has to take care of him.

So would it have been better for him to get euthenized there at the shelter?

Sin

I do not understand how people can knowingly hurt the ones thay love again and again...
It's a painful mystery.
It seems like if a person took just one second to imagine what it would be like toward themselves they would not go foreward with their schemes.
I can understand mistakes, but blatent continuance...

Why does God put up with us?

Home!

Toby's home finally!!
He has kennel cough though :( but so far it's not too bad. Just have to give him pills twice a day.
He is such a good puppy though! He goes to the bathroom outside when I take him, he doesn't put things in his mouth, he sleeps like a hound (constantly)...although he absolutely hates baths. He bayed the whole time.
I love him. :)
And I am exhausted.
All this driving wears me out.
SO worth it.

Long Night, Long Day

Meeting day:
I feel a bit ridiculous saying this, but I literally could not sleep last night.
We went to bed at 10:30 and I tossed, and I turned...it was like Christmas Eve. Way too excited. I've never had an actual puppy before! Only adult dogs.
I laid there and finally at 2:30 I got up and took half a dose of acetaminophen PM.
...at three I was still wide awake, so I took the other half of the dose. I slept from just before 4, to 6.
SO I was a little afraid of falling asleep driving on the way to the shelter.
But it was definitely not difficult. It was great to have girl time with my sister. We chatted the entire time.
We made it to LA to meet our possible new family member at 15 min past opening.
And he was still there. No name to claim him.
We found him and met him, and my goodness he's SUCH a sweetie. His personality is a lot like Chester's (Chester is our other dog), only with a little more puppy spunk.
We were not allowed to take him out of the kennel.
So we had driven 3.75 hours to stick our fingers through the fence...
But it was SO worth it.
He loved me immediately, and I loved him too :)
He has the cutest ears, his feet are ginormous, and he howls a little when you get him riled up and then stop petting him. Adorable.
He will be released this coming Friday at 2 pm. I cannot be any later than 4, or they can give him to someone else...
Lord willing, he will be home in 48 hours :)

Meet Tobias.

Castles and Caskets

For the past couple of weeks I have been reading Ecclesiastes, and for the first time in my life it has had the opposite effect on me. Normally it leaves me with a feeling of meaninglessness...I mean the word is used endlessly throughout!

Nah, THIS time I have this overwhelming PEACE! Never expected THAT from the book about how pointless everything is...

Being married kind of puts an emphasis on financial security, making those "ends" meet. The cost = many hours away from the one I love and many disheartened days of attempting to encourage him as he's overworked, manipulated, and grossly underpaid...I sometimes forget. I forget that God knows what's going on in a world where so many things don't seem to add up.

Solomon was the wisest man and yet he knew that even the wise die like the foolish. Sometimes the wisest of all get the shaft, while the fools live on forever. All that is meaningless...

Solomon was the richest person alive, and had every kind of pleasure he could desire, yet he still did not find satisfaction in this.
A man can work his whole life saving and striving to make a life for himself, and all that can be gone in an instant. Or even if it stays around for a while, that man still dies, and never reaps the reward of his labor. Some man he never knew could be the one who enjoys all of his hard work. So working and striving are meaningless...

We camped in San Simeon this weekend and went to tour the great Hearst Castle. The place was just immense! It had tapestries, choir chairs, imported fireplaces, statues, intricate ceilings, a movie theatre, an enormous outdoor pool, and a smaller but still vastly enormous indoor pool with gold inlaid tiles surrounding it. The upkeep was just ridiculous. They said that to clean (not even to restore) the ceiling in one room it would cost millions of dollars.
And get this. He owed so many back taxes when he died that the whole estate had to be "donated" to cover the cost.
What a legacy after a lifetime of hard toiling, dreaming, and collecting.
He did not take any of that with him. He died just like any other Shmoe...Meaningless.

In the end, being the wisest man in the world, all Solomon could muster with his wisdom is: "No one can comprehend what goes on under the sun. Despite all his efforts to search it out, man cannot discover it's meaning. Even if a wise man claims he knows, he cannot really comprehend it."

So what...?
"Go, eat your food with gladness, and drink your wine with a joyful heart, for it is now that God favors what you do. Always be clothed in white, and always annoint your head with oil. Enjoy life with your wife, whom you love, all the days of this meaningless life God has given you under the sun-all your meaningless days. For this is your lot in life and your toilsome labor under the sun. Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with all your might, for in the grave where you are going, there is neither working nor planning nor knowledge nor wisdom." Ecc 9:7-10

"Fear God and keep His commandments, for this is the whole duty of man." Ecc 12:13b

I think so many times we can become so caught up in "figuring it all out," finding the meaning to all that surrounds us. We catagorize, diagnose, and try to box it all up with a pretty bow that says "well bad things happen to good people because [insert philosophy here]"...and so on.

Newsflash: Life's not always pretty! If you've lived longer than a couple of minutes you might have noticed that. In fact life can be downright like a pile of human diarhhea sometimes. And it gets on you, and it gets on me, and on everyone we interact with. So messy! And most times it comes so fast we don't have time to get help from a shrink.

So what can we do??
Rely on God, who sees all, and knows all.
A lot of times I think about how confusing this world is, and I search and strive for meaning and consistency and a reason for every rhyme...or is it rhyme for every reason?...and I think: maybe God made it confusing just to confuse us. Maybe he doesn't want us to know everything, because maybe...just maybe...he wants us to rely on Him, and to trust in what we KNOW about HIS character. Maybe we'll be a little more centered if we stand on a firm Foundation.
I mean we DO know that He is trustworthy.
We know He is for us, and that He loves us deeper than we could possibly imagine.
We know that He is preparing a Home for us that will put all homes to shame.
We know that He is working everything together for His purpose. And that His purpose is for us to know Him and for us to become more and more like Him through the refining process leading to Holiness.
...I could go on and on.
And maybe I should.
Maybe I should rest in the peace that comes from knowing that even though I don't have it all figured out, I am deeply loved and protected by the One who does!

And so I will do the best with what I have, and walk in the joy and gladness that comes from being grateful for the ones I have around me.

And for the One who gave everything to know me.

We're adopting!!.........a puppy.

I know. It's not the same. But it's a heck of a lot cheaper.
I read that with human adoptions there are usually at least two required trips.
The first trip it to meet the child, and the next is to finish required paperwork and visa information.
This process usually takes AT LEAST $40,000! Not including airfare. Holy crap, that's just an unfathomable amount of money for me to comprehend when I have never made more than $10,000 a year.
Caleb and I would definitely be open to adopting a child one day.
But for now, just a puppy.

"A4311776" is quite a different story. His adoption fees will come out to about $100. Unfortunately I will have to do the two trips though. Anyone interested in adopting an animal must come in person to put their name in. This ensures the dog not be euthenized on day 5. Once an interest has been established, then "day 5" becomes neuter day. Once the dog is recovered from the surgery, then he can be released. BUT on release day another person could come in and swoop to adopt the dog. So you must be there at opening to lay claim.
The shelter is in LA. That's 3.75 hours away without traffic. And we all know LA traffic...
So that's a whopping 15 hours of just driving in one week, and that doesn't even ensure that we will GET the dog!
Is it worth it?
You tell me...

Communication

In the past few weeks I have been working a little with sign language with my little kindergartener at work. And WOW, she's been whiny :)
I'm starting to take her whining as a good sign because it seems to mean that she's learning (reminds me of an old rusty machine starting to work, the gears creaking in protest).
She now signs "more" and "shoe".
"More" is for bubbles and cookies, and shoe is for her little game of shoe tying she loves so much. So long as I don't double knot them, she immediately pulls the strings loose and pounds her fists to sign "shoe".

Tomorrow I get to take some friends' kids to the zoo. These children will ask questions, and verbally complain... :)

I will never take for granted my future childrens' ability to communicate

Courage

Some days I can feel so exasperated I just want to cry, but I know that won't make it all go away.
This morning started like that.

 One of the students had a complete meltdown.

That would actually be an understatement.

So when I went to help with fifth grade yard duty I was not afraid.

Just mad.

...and not afraid.

In the afternoon I found out I would be watching fifth grade after school program.

...I was not afraid. And I had no trouble...except some students complaining about how quiet the class was :)



Fear kinda has a way of being relative to the circumstances you are faced with.


I guess that's one reason to be happy when hard times come.

Picture Exchange Communication System (PECS)

Let me tell you.
PECS cards are beautiful!
The autism specialists came to teach us how to teach Rosa how to use pictures to ask for objects.
She picked it up right away.
Now she asks me for "tickles" and "hug." Friday she asked me to "tie shoe" :)
So proud of her!

Thursday marked the beginning of 10 hour days in Laton.
I get really tired, but I LOVE it!