For the Good

His thoughts far surpass ours. His ways are not our own. He works all things for the good of those who love Him and who are called according to His purpose.
I hate it. But I know in retrospect, and even in the moment, in the back of my mind, that when my prayers are not answered according to my will, that God's plans are bigger...especially when the answer is brutally painful.
I know He would not let something so heart wrenching be for nothing.

Tobias died last Saturday and it left me devestated. He was only ours for one week.
I knew by friday night that he was going to die. He had not eaten for several days, and everything I forced down he would vomit. He lost his sweet playfulness and took on a somber sunken look. I had prayed and prayed that he would pull through- that he would begin eating food again before I left to camp sunday morning. I was so nervous about making Caleb take care of him day and night. I begged God to remove the disease from his body and to give the puppy a great future with us.

On friday night I gave him his antibiotics and spent a long time feeding him and giving him water. As soon as I finished he threw it all up. At that moment I knew by the look in his eyes that it was not good. I wept bitterly, feeling hopeless. I verbalized that maybe I should stay home from camp. Caleb told me he thought I should still go.
I laid him down on his blanket fully expecting him to not live through the night.
I woke the next morning dreading that I might find him dead. But he was still alive. Eyes sunken and head drooped, but alive.
I pet him and felt the coldness in his skin and saw the look in his eye that is all too familiar from having a farm.
I went back to bed and cried, telling Caleb "He is going to die."
We got up and I looked up numbers for euthenasia, so relieve his pain, finally deciding to take him to the SPCA.
We walked in and the line was painfully slow. I tried my best to not cry, but it was too sad. When she called us up I choked back tears as I explained our situation. We paid a small fee and signed him over.

When we got back to the car to get him, he had already died.

I cried all day. But even while I cried I knew...That there had to be a reason that he died that day. That he died the day before camp started.
I called my mom to tell her and she prayed like I have never heard her pray. She prayed with power and strength. She said that she had been praying that morning and felt like she should pray against the puppy becoming a distraction from my trip.
I somehow knew that camp would be incredible, but that I absolutely would not have room for distraction.

And somehow Jesus took my pain and put it on pause. I was unable to dwell on my sorrow all week.

Saturday we took about a dozen high schoolers to Woodleaf camp in Challenge, CA. It was by far the most challenging week for me as a Capernaum leader. We normally take very low functioning kids who are really dependent on us physically and emotionally. This year was completely different.
The boys were pretty normal for what we take, but the girls could not have been more different.
One girl in particular did not have a conventional disability. She has bipolar and ADHD. And let me tell you. I was very afraid. She immediately gravitated towards the bad kids of camp. We caught wind that she was planning to have sex with another camper, she hiked up to smoke pot, she verbally assaulted another of our girls, cussing and threatening to "beat the s**t out of her", she hated everything we did, refused to participate in any group activity, and fell asleep during every serious talk. We had no clue what to do with her. But this poor girl has a tougher life than I could ever imagine. She has so much pain in her life and so much hatred toward God.
A few of our campers have their fathers in prison. A couple of them have parents who are homosexual. At least a couple of them have been in trouble with the law on a handful of occasions. I cannot imagine the pain they have experienced.
All of the time I was crying out to God for my puppy her was drawing my heart into Him. As I was mourning that first day He was comforting me.
Because of the pain I experienced before this week, God had my attention and was able to grow my faith as I spoke with Him about these kids.
If Tobias had remained sick after I had left for camp I would not have been able to be fully at camp. My mind would have been home, worried about him.

The reasons don't take away the pain. Coming home and walking into my house brought on a wave of emotions. I still wonder if there was anything else that could have been done. If only I had listened to Caleb when he was apprehensive about getting a second dog...but I know that is a waste of mind space...
I will probably never know fully why everything happened.

But I know he does not waste our pain.

Troubled

Do you ever get that deep sinking feeling you may have made a poor decision?
Tobias is sick...
They told me he had kennel cough when I got him and they gave me medication for him.
He was fine until last night. Suddenly he stopped eating.
So I took him to the vet this morning...and $140.00 later he has a new set of pills, food supplement, and got a hydration bolus.
I feel so bad!
And to make matters worse, I'm going to camp all of next week. So now I have no control over whether or not he gets his treatment...
And now Caleb has to take care of him.

So would it have been better for him to get euthenized there at the shelter?

Sin

I do not understand how people can knowingly hurt the ones thay love again and again...
It's a painful mystery.
It seems like if a person took just one second to imagine what it would be like toward themselves they would not go foreward with their schemes.
I can understand mistakes, but blatent continuance...

Why does God put up with us?

Home!

Toby's home finally!!
He has kennel cough though :( but so far it's not too bad. Just have to give him pills twice a day.
He is such a good puppy though! He goes to the bathroom outside when I take him, he doesn't put things in his mouth, he sleeps like a hound (constantly)...although he absolutely hates baths. He bayed the whole time.
I love him. :)
And I am exhausted.
All this driving wears me out.
SO worth it.

Long Night, Long Day

Meeting day:
I feel a bit ridiculous saying this, but I literally could not sleep last night.
We went to bed at 10:30 and I tossed, and I turned...it was like Christmas Eve. Way too excited. I've never had an actual puppy before! Only adult dogs.
I laid there and finally at 2:30 I got up and took half a dose of acetaminophen PM.
...at three I was still wide awake, so I took the other half of the dose. I slept from just before 4, to 6.
SO I was a little afraid of falling asleep driving on the way to the shelter.
But it was definitely not difficult. It was great to have girl time with my sister. We chatted the entire time.
We made it to LA to meet our possible new family member at 15 min past opening.
And he was still there. No name to claim him.
We found him and met him, and my goodness he's SUCH a sweetie. His personality is a lot like Chester's (Chester is our other dog), only with a little more puppy spunk.
We were not allowed to take him out of the kennel.
So we had driven 3.75 hours to stick our fingers through the fence...
But it was SO worth it.
He loved me immediately, and I loved him too :)
He has the cutest ears, his feet are ginormous, and he howls a little when you get him riled up and then stop petting him. Adorable.
He will be released this coming Friday at 2 pm. I cannot be any later than 4, or they can give him to someone else...
Lord willing, he will be home in 48 hours :)

Meet Tobias.

Castles and Caskets

For the past couple of weeks I have been reading Ecclesiastes, and for the first time in my life it has had the opposite effect on me. Normally it leaves me with a feeling of meaninglessness...I mean the word is used endlessly throughout!

Nah, THIS time I have this overwhelming PEACE! Never expected THAT from the book about how pointless everything is...

Being married kind of puts an emphasis on financial security, making those "ends" meet. The cost = many hours away from the one I love and many disheartened days of attempting to encourage him as he's overworked, manipulated, and grossly underpaid...I sometimes forget. I forget that God knows what's going on in a world where so many things don't seem to add up.

Solomon was the wisest man and yet he knew that even the wise die like the foolish. Sometimes the wisest of all get the shaft, while the fools live on forever. All that is meaningless...

Solomon was the richest person alive, and had every kind of pleasure he could desire, yet he still did not find satisfaction in this.
A man can work his whole life saving and striving to make a life for himself, and all that can be gone in an instant. Or even if it stays around for a while, that man still dies, and never reaps the reward of his labor. Some man he never knew could be the one who enjoys all of his hard work. So working and striving are meaningless...

We camped in San Simeon this weekend and went to tour the great Hearst Castle. The place was just immense! It had tapestries, choir chairs, imported fireplaces, statues, intricate ceilings, a movie theatre, an enormous outdoor pool, and a smaller but still vastly enormous indoor pool with gold inlaid tiles surrounding it. The upkeep was just ridiculous. They said that to clean (not even to restore) the ceiling in one room it would cost millions of dollars.
And get this. He owed so many back taxes when he died that the whole estate had to be "donated" to cover the cost.
What a legacy after a lifetime of hard toiling, dreaming, and collecting.
He did not take any of that with him. He died just like any other Shmoe...Meaningless.

In the end, being the wisest man in the world, all Solomon could muster with his wisdom is: "No one can comprehend what goes on under the sun. Despite all his efforts to search it out, man cannot discover it's meaning. Even if a wise man claims he knows, he cannot really comprehend it."

So what...?
"Go, eat your food with gladness, and drink your wine with a joyful heart, for it is now that God favors what you do. Always be clothed in white, and always annoint your head with oil. Enjoy life with your wife, whom you love, all the days of this meaningless life God has given you under the sun-all your meaningless days. For this is your lot in life and your toilsome labor under the sun. Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with all your might, for in the grave where you are going, there is neither working nor planning nor knowledge nor wisdom." Ecc 9:7-10

"Fear God and keep His commandments, for this is the whole duty of man." Ecc 12:13b

I think so many times we can become so caught up in "figuring it all out," finding the meaning to all that surrounds us. We catagorize, diagnose, and try to box it all up with a pretty bow that says "well bad things happen to good people because [insert philosophy here]"...and so on.

Newsflash: Life's not always pretty! If you've lived longer than a couple of minutes you might have noticed that. In fact life can be downright like a pile of human diarhhea sometimes. And it gets on you, and it gets on me, and on everyone we interact with. So messy! And most times it comes so fast we don't have time to get help from a shrink.

So what can we do??
Rely on God, who sees all, and knows all.
A lot of times I think about how confusing this world is, and I search and strive for meaning and consistency and a reason for every rhyme...or is it rhyme for every reason?...and I think: maybe God made it confusing just to confuse us. Maybe he doesn't want us to know everything, because maybe...just maybe...he wants us to rely on Him, and to trust in what we KNOW about HIS character. Maybe we'll be a little more centered if we stand on a firm Foundation.
I mean we DO know that He is trustworthy.
We know He is for us, and that He loves us deeper than we could possibly imagine.
We know that He is preparing a Home for us that will put all homes to shame.
We know that He is working everything together for His purpose. And that His purpose is for us to know Him and for us to become more and more like Him through the refining process leading to Holiness.
...I could go on and on.
And maybe I should.
Maybe I should rest in the peace that comes from knowing that even though I don't have it all figured out, I am deeply loved and protected by the One who does!

And so I will do the best with what I have, and walk in the joy and gladness that comes from being grateful for the ones I have around me.

And for the One who gave everything to know me.

We're adopting!!.........a puppy.

I know. It's not the same. But it's a heck of a lot cheaper.
I read that with human adoptions there are usually at least two required trips.
The first trip it to meet the child, and the next is to finish required paperwork and visa information.
This process usually takes AT LEAST $40,000! Not including airfare. Holy crap, that's just an unfathomable amount of money for me to comprehend when I have never made more than $10,000 a year.
Caleb and I would definitely be open to adopting a child one day.
But for now, just a puppy.

"A4311776" is quite a different story. His adoption fees will come out to about $100. Unfortunately I will have to do the two trips though. Anyone interested in adopting an animal must come in person to put their name in. This ensures the dog not be euthenized on day 5. Once an interest has been established, then "day 5" becomes neuter day. Once the dog is recovered from the surgery, then he can be released. BUT on release day another person could come in and swoop to adopt the dog. So you must be there at opening to lay claim.
The shelter is in LA. That's 3.75 hours away without traffic. And we all know LA traffic...
So that's a whopping 15 hours of just driving in one week, and that doesn't even ensure that we will GET the dog!
Is it worth it?
You tell me...