25 days. Oh Boy

When I look past the planning I remember I am getting married.
I hope I'm good at marriage.
I'm SO afraid that I won't be.
I'm afraid that someday I will lose the feelings.
I'm afraid of fighting.
I'm afraid of the silence of NOT fighting.

Oh, Lord, please guard my mind. Help me to think about "whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy." Oh, God, I know I can't take this on with my own strength! I am helpless to be the wife Caleb needs. I am selfish and afraid. I need You to give me Your love, Your strength, and Your selflessness.

26 days left...and grandma needs a new dictionary

My boss is 90 years old, so she lives in a completely different culture than we do, even though it's the same world. Often she says words like "toadstools," or "service station" which confuse me. She asked me today if I "do internet," as she refuses to give out her information to the world on that "awful device." She also exclaimed that she knows it's time for a new dictionary because she could not find the word "blog" in her old one. All I can do is smile.

Today I got a call from the Fresno County Office of Education telling me that I had passed my fingerprinting, so could come in for my credential. I had Petra take me down there. The lady inside was fun, but really ghetto. We chatted a bit about weddings because her daughter is getting married. She was pretty distracted and it took her over seven tries to get my email address correct in the system. She forgot the "@." We also discovered we have the same birthday! All in all is was a low stress process and I have my certification to substitute!

I cannot even wrap my mind around all of the change this year has brought and will bring.My parents have split, I graduated, I'm getting married, I lost my car, I'll be moving, and I'm changing my job (God willing).

so much to do...

Props

My favorite thing about Blogger = auto save.

30 more days!!!

I can't believe it!! only one more month and we'll be married!! I still cannot wrap my mind around that. The closer it gets the more I realize how ready I am to just be married. It's just painful to leave and go home at night. Three and a half hours a day is just not enough time. And most of that time is spend doing something for the wedding! I just get so overwhelmed and exhausted with all the planning. People keep saying to enjoy the engagement. I enjoy Caleb, but I certainly do not enjoy pouring over all of the details and explaining my ideas to critical ears. I'm tired of making pointless decisions, like what color of vases to use, or which pictures I want with which family member. Poor Caleb. He's engaged to a crazy woman...

34 days reamaining. Selfishness, Cockroaches & a Wedding

I have always heard that marriage works to unearth a person's selfishness. I'm not even married and I can see that death lurking in me. Marriages are falling apart all around me and as I hear their arguments and discussions, all I hear is selfishness and pride. Biting words and low punches. I want my marriage to work! I want so badly to not have my parents' marriage. I want to believe that love can last past the wedding day. The best marriage encouragement I have received came from my friend Denise. She told me "It gets even better after you get married." I don't hear that much at all.
But I recently have been able to more clearly see a disease inside of my own heart. One of selfishness. It's rooted so deeply that I have not been able to see it. It needs to die. I cannot expect my marriage to be of any value if I go into it wondering what's in it for me. My mind wanders into a plague of worry. I complain deep in my soul that I have to give up so much to be a wife. I have to give up my name. I have to give up my privacy. I have to give up my time to cook and clean and do laundry.
That is what I have been mulling around in my mind, especially on days I am tired.
This is how I have been thinking. And it's awful.

Because honestly, I hate my last name. I hate how difficult it is to spell it. I hate that this name has carried shame and failure over generations. I hate the pride with which I have carried it.
I hate privacy, because when I am alone I miss him. When I worry, he is the one to calm me, and to pray with me, and to hold me close.
And lastly (but certainly not finally), I love to do things for him! I love to make him food, because he is so grateful to me, and he always loves my cooking, no matter how badly I have burned it or what strange spices I have thrown in. I love to do the dishes because it looks nice. I love to have a clean kitchen and a tidy house!
Here is my problem. My mindset is ugly! I so easily focus on the negative aspects of life. But if I take one minute to consider the beauty and the positive things, I find I am blessed beyond what I could have ever imagined.
I have been believing the lies all of the bitter couples have been saying about how terrible marriage will be. It's almost as if I keep looking for the things that will make it horrible; looking for the clues that everyone's right; looking for reasons to store in my complaints file.

Oh, Lord ! Save me from myself! Save me from the lies of Satan! You love marriage, so I know it's supposed to be glorious. Help me lord, because I'm so very selfish and ungrateful.Thank You for Caleb! Thank You that you are making our hearts one. Thank you that You have given me a man who is attentive to my needs and who understands me better than any other human. Thank you that we get to be married and to figure out marriage together. Thank You for marriage and that it will tear my selfishness away. Have mercy on me, a selfish girl. Teach me to love and to be grateful. Help me to get past my needs and agenda. I need You to break the cycle of divorce in my family, and to break the ugly disrespect and selfishness that has destroyed so many families.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Saturday we started cleaning out Grandpa Leo's house (our future home). We scrubbed cupboards and bleached them. We threw away nick-knacks and boxed up extra dishes. It was SO great! I loved it! I loved becoming acquainted with my soon-to-be home.
There's nothing living I hate more than cockroaches. They make my skin crawl and give me the heebie-jeebies! We hoped that by doing all of this cleaning we would eliminate the bug problem, but even as we worked, a couple of them came out to see what the ruckus was. 
Caleb said there were a few out today as well. I HATE them!! But it is still better than having to pay rent or live in an apartment! We will need to take this issue up with our bug guy.
Later last night we went to Karen and Josh's wedding. Oh my gosh!! I can't believe they are married already!! The time has just flown by!! That means that there are just under five weeks left until OUR big day!

Job kick-off...36 days (minus a few hours)

Yesterday I did a lot for the wedding, including creating a tentative wedding-day schedule, printing up a list of people who are helping, and writing over thirty thank-you notes for bridal shower gifts. In addition to that I printed up the final version of my resume and cover letter. My printer does not work at my house so I had to go borrow Caleb's. It was really strange to be there without him. I think that's the first time that has happened. It was fun to look around and to begin to dream a little about what this will look like as our home in a little over a month. We went to dinner with Caleb's parents, and that was really frustrating. The hot topics were bed and car purchasing. His dad is well-meaning, but overbearing. It was pretty intense and I had to leave and have a little peace in the bathroom. I fully trust in Caleb's decision-making abilities. I know that he will make wise decisions because he always takes his time to think things through. I wish his dad could see that. That is my prayer.
Today I worked both jobs before noon. Joel was 9-10, and Mary Virginia was 10:10-12. For being a care provider, I sure do some strange jobs. At Joel's I was "florist". At Mary Virginia's I am normally "grocery shopper" or "financial adviser"...today I was "ancient-silver polisher." I didn't even know that they still sold silver polish.
Petra let me pick her up so she could go around with me while I finished a long list of things today. I had to send out the thank-you cards from the wedding shower. Stamps are expensive!!
I tried to turn in my first resume today. The clinic was closed when I got there, but the owner caught me at the door and she and I talked for a bit. She said that she does not use OT Aides, but she suggested a couple of other places to apply. She also let me inside to see all of her therapy rooms. It was beautiful! She said she would totally not mind if I wanted to come and observe sometime, so I may do that and gain some experience.
I really missed Caleb today, but I'm so glad he has a job. He is doing so well there! I'm so proud of him.
I got to see him right after work because we share his car now :)
Then we had some friends over to his house for our second Star Wars movie night. I cleaned his kitchen a bit. I am SO excited to make that our home. We begin tomorrow. His mom will be meeting us there for breakfast and begin removing Grandpa Leo's things. I am SO excited!! I think I might be getting on Caleb's nerves though because I want to change things there so fast. :) I love a new start.

dayz=38...why I know i want to work in health care

I had to wake up early to take Caleb to work so I could use his car today, so that helped me get a little bit of a jump start to my day. After arriving home I decided to get started on bridal shower thank-you cards. I started one and was near finishing when my roommate, Bree, came groggily out complaining about a pulled muscle in her neck. she sat down across from me and asked what she should do. I had no answers, so we kinda just stared for a few seconds...then she declared, "I REALLY don't feel good!" I asked jokingly if I should get her the trashcan, looked away for a second, then looked back to her face and literally watched the blood leave her face. She slumped forward into my arms, and let out a snore! Then she pulled backwards and I could see her eyes were completely dilated and her muscles were seized. It was very similar to when Joel (the guy I take care of) goes into a seizure, only shorter. All I could think was, "oh crap, she's going to fall," so I yelled to my other roommate, "ALEX!!" It took a couple of times for her to hear me, then she came walking in, "yeah...?"
Once she realized there was a possible emergency I had her call 9-1-1. Bree regained consciousness about that time and I helped her move to the floor. All of that emergency training goes out the window when you're faced with an actual emergency! All I could think was that I remember someone saying get the blood to where it isn't. I knew the blood was gone from her face! I SAW that leave! So I elevated her feet.
The paramedics checked her vitals when they arrived. She was pretty aware by then and feeling fine (aside from a sore neck). Her vitals were normal ( normal glucose and BP), so they just kind of figured it was a sympathy fainting.
It felt good to know what to do, even the little I remembered. :)
It's just nice to know that I made it trough college AND I still like my field.


On a different subject...yes, planning.
Today was a pretty productive Promise day. Because I had the car I was able to run around town. I started getting the things I need for party favors and even started making them!
Last night I had a breakthrough idea for the ceremony. I told three people about it, but to the rest I think it will be more powerful just to experience it at the ceremony.
Caleb is so sweet. I kind of panicked yesterday after I got so much done for the wedding. When I accomplish a lot I do not FEEL accomplished. I feel overwhelmed with the massive amounts of things I STILL have to do. I cried again yesterday when Caleb came over because of this. So today he asked me to give him a list of things he can do to help me. He has already been so helpful and supportive, but this is nice to have him take things off MY "to-do" list.
I know...people keep telling me to enjoy our engagement, but honestly I will be glad for the evenings we can spend together WITHOUT having to plan, or consider, or do counseling homework. It will be nice to start a vacation on October 24th, because we need one!
Side note...I love that this blogger auto-saves!
Tomorrow I will go in for fingerprinting for subbing. So, off to bed I go, so I can wake up early and take Caleb to work.