So here I am at the beginning. I have done "diets" before, but they usually just entail feeling bad about the bad stuff I'm eating at the time and hoping to shame myself into eating right.
Not this time!
Nope. I'm actually COMITTED this time!
AND I'm exercising too!
The sad fact is that I live a pretty sedentary life aside from work. And really work is just a lot of standing around. And the real truth is that I DO eat pretty good, so long as I eat at home...
AND SO LONG AS I DON'T HAVE DESSERT WITH EVERY MEAL...
So Caleb and I comitted to exercising three times a week, and we only get to have sweets on weekends and holidays.
My sister-in-law showed me this website where I log in my meals and it calculates caloric value, taking into account calories burned during exercise. And I'm noticing that it's kind of a pain to log in snacks, so I have been refraining from most snacks AND staying below my caloric allottment.
To be honest, I want us to do this, not just to look better, but I want to live better and to have more energy for life, and to increase our years of life together.
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
Good
In the haste of picking a name for the puppy I never got around to finding the maning of "Tobias." I have always thought than names have a profound effect on someone's life.
Tobias means "God is Good."
How profound that that is one of the things I have been able to rest in through this whole process.
Tobias means "God is Good."
How profound that that is one of the things I have been able to rest in through this whole process.
Sunday, August 7, 2011
For the Good
His thoughts far surpass ours. His ways are not our own. He works all things for the good of those who love Him and who are called according to His purpose.
I hate it. But I know in retrospect, and even in the moment, in the back of my mind, that when my prayers are not answered according to my will, that God's plans are bigger...especially when the answer is brutally painful.
I know He would not let something so heart wrenching be for nothing.
Tobias died last Saturday and it left me devestated. He was only ours for one week.
I knew by friday night that he was going to die. He had not eaten for several days, and everything I forced down he would vomit. He lost his sweet playfulness and took on a somber sunken look. I had prayed and prayed that he would pull through- that he would begin eating food again before I left to camp sunday morning. I was so nervous about making Caleb take care of him day and night. I begged God to remove the disease from his body and to give the puppy a great future with us.
On friday night I gave him his antibiotics and spent a long time feeding him and giving him water. As soon as I finished he threw it all up. At that moment I knew by the look in his eyes that it was not good. I wept bitterly, feeling hopeless. I verbalized that maybe I should stay home from camp. Caleb told me he thought I should still go.
I laid him down on his blanket fully expecting him to not live through the night.
I woke the next morning dreading that I might find him dead. But he was still alive. Eyes sunken and head drooped, but alive.
I pet him and felt the coldness in his skin and saw the look in his eye that is all too familiar from having a farm.
I went back to bed and cried, telling Caleb "He is going to die."
We got up and I looked up numbers for euthenasia, so relieve his pain, finally deciding to take him to the SPCA.
We walked in and the line was painfully slow. I tried my best to not cry, but it was too sad. When she called us up I choked back tears as I explained our situation. We paid a small fee and signed him over.
When we got back to the car to get him, he had already died.
I cried all day. But even while I cried I knew...That there had to be a reason that he died that day. That he died the day before camp started.
I called my mom to tell her and she prayed like I have never heard her pray. She prayed with power and strength. She said that she had been praying that morning and felt like she should pray against the puppy becoming a distraction from my trip.
I somehow knew that camp would be incredible, but that I absolutely would not have room for distraction.
And somehow Jesus took my pain and put it on pause. I was unable to dwell on my sorrow all week.
Saturday we took about a dozen high schoolers to Woodleaf camp in Challenge, CA. It was by far the most challenging week for me as a Capernaum leader. We normally take very low functioning kids who are really dependent on us physically and emotionally. This year was completely different.
The boys were pretty normal for what we take, but the girls could not have been more different.
One girl in particular did not have a conventional disability. She has bipolar and ADHD. And let me tell you. I was very afraid. She immediately gravitated towards the bad kids of camp. We caught wind that she was planning to have sex with another camper, she hiked up to smoke pot, she verbally assaulted another of our girls, cussing and threatening to "beat the s**t out of her", she hated everything we did, refused to participate in any group activity, and fell asleep during every serious talk. We had no clue what to do with her. But this poor girl has a tougher life than I could ever imagine. She has so much pain in her life and so much hatred toward God.
A few of our campers have their fathers in prison. A couple of them have parents who are homosexual. At least a couple of them have been in trouble with the law on a handful of occasions. I cannot imagine the pain they have experienced.
All of the time I was crying out to God for my puppy her was drawing my heart into Him. As I was mourning that first day He was comforting me.
Because of the pain I experienced before this week, God had my attention and was able to grow my faith as I spoke with Him about these kids.
If Tobias had remained sick after I had left for camp I would not have been able to be fully at camp. My mind would have been home, worried about him.
The reasons don't take away the pain. Coming home and walking into my house brought on a wave of emotions. I still wonder if there was anything else that could have been done. If only I had listened to Caleb when he was apprehensive about getting a second dog...but I know that is a waste of mind space...
I will probably never know fully why everything happened.
But I know he does not waste our pain.
I hate it. But I know in retrospect, and even in the moment, in the back of my mind, that when my prayers are not answered according to my will, that God's plans are bigger...especially when the answer is brutally painful.
I know He would not let something so heart wrenching be for nothing.
Tobias died last Saturday and it left me devestated. He was only ours for one week.
I knew by friday night that he was going to die. He had not eaten for several days, and everything I forced down he would vomit. He lost his sweet playfulness and took on a somber sunken look. I had prayed and prayed that he would pull through- that he would begin eating food again before I left to camp sunday morning. I was so nervous about making Caleb take care of him day and night. I begged God to remove the disease from his body and to give the puppy a great future with us.
On friday night I gave him his antibiotics and spent a long time feeding him and giving him water. As soon as I finished he threw it all up. At that moment I knew by the look in his eyes that it was not good. I wept bitterly, feeling hopeless. I verbalized that maybe I should stay home from camp. Caleb told me he thought I should still go.
I laid him down on his blanket fully expecting him to not live through the night.
I woke the next morning dreading that I might find him dead. But he was still alive. Eyes sunken and head drooped, but alive.
I pet him and felt the coldness in his skin and saw the look in his eye that is all too familiar from having a farm.
I went back to bed and cried, telling Caleb "He is going to die."
We got up and I looked up numbers for euthenasia, so relieve his pain, finally deciding to take him to the SPCA.
We walked in and the line was painfully slow. I tried my best to not cry, but it was too sad. When she called us up I choked back tears as I explained our situation. We paid a small fee and signed him over.
When we got back to the car to get him, he had already died.
I cried all day. But even while I cried I knew...That there had to be a reason that he died that day. That he died the day before camp started.
I called my mom to tell her and she prayed like I have never heard her pray. She prayed with power and strength. She said that she had been praying that morning and felt like she should pray against the puppy becoming a distraction from my trip.
I somehow knew that camp would be incredible, but that I absolutely would not have room for distraction.
And somehow Jesus took my pain and put it on pause. I was unable to dwell on my sorrow all week.
Saturday we took about a dozen high schoolers to Woodleaf camp in Challenge, CA. It was by far the most challenging week for me as a Capernaum leader. We normally take very low functioning kids who are really dependent on us physically and emotionally. This year was completely different.
The boys were pretty normal for what we take, but the girls could not have been more different.
One girl in particular did not have a conventional disability. She has bipolar and ADHD. And let me tell you. I was very afraid. She immediately gravitated towards the bad kids of camp. We caught wind that she was planning to have sex with another camper, she hiked up to smoke pot, she verbally assaulted another of our girls, cussing and threatening to "beat the s**t out of her", she hated everything we did, refused to participate in any group activity, and fell asleep during every serious talk. We had no clue what to do with her. But this poor girl has a tougher life than I could ever imagine. She has so much pain in her life and so much hatred toward God.
A few of our campers have their fathers in prison. A couple of them have parents who are homosexual. At least a couple of them have been in trouble with the law on a handful of occasions. I cannot imagine the pain they have experienced.
All of the time I was crying out to God for my puppy her was drawing my heart into Him. As I was mourning that first day He was comforting me.
Because of the pain I experienced before this week, God had my attention and was able to grow my faith as I spoke with Him about these kids.
If Tobias had remained sick after I had left for camp I would not have been able to be fully at camp. My mind would have been home, worried about him.
The reasons don't take away the pain. Coming home and walking into my house brought on a wave of emotions. I still wonder if there was anything else that could have been done. If only I had listened to Caleb when he was apprehensive about getting a second dog...but I know that is a waste of mind space...
I will probably never know fully why everything happened.
But I know he does not waste our pain.
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