I Must Admit...

Many of my family members have struggled with "chemical imbalance." So it's difficult for me to admit that most of my "adult," post-high-school life I have struggled with Depression. And I know it usually stems from Anxiety. What happens it that I have always been one to internalize and personalize everyone's emotions. I'm not really sure why this happens but it completely whipes me out...and I'm guessing my immune system and adrenal glands as well. If I have time to think about it I will try to sit down, uninterrupted, and submit my worries to God's control, and that always helps. But aside from that I seem to always have this lingering....almost sadness??...more of a lack of well being, like I know something's off. Unfortunately I tend to try to point a finger to find something or someone to blame.
Recently it has been in my marriage. I KNOW my sadness it not because of something Caleb is doing wrong, but it seems like the blame falls on him because of proximity.
I had an amazing teacher at Fresno State named Dr. Price-Sharps. She taught Abnormal Psychology, and it was the most intreaguing and engrossing class I took. I was on the edge of my seat every class, AND it was a night class. I never even almost fell asleep. She was teaching us about depression and I asked her if it was worse in the morning. She said no! She explained exactly what that was. She went on to tell the class about Adrenal Fatigue. This is where a person who is stressed overuses their adrenaline supply. Adrenaline accounts for many good things. And once it is depleted, it is difficult to replenish it without some extra help. B vitamins are supposed to work wonders for this. I took my first pill a couple of years ago, and it seemed to give me a tiny boost of happiness.
Then I came across a sub-lingual B Complex from the B Alive store, and just as the lady told me behind the counter- after three days I began to notice a marked difference. It was as if a dark cloud had been lifted from over my head. Last semester I got pretty good about taking one a day at lunch, and I stopped needing a nap to get me through the day- even though I was working long hours with many children. Then my supply ran out and I put off refilling it...for about four months. And recently I have been seriously moody. Everything agitated me, down to stoplights, and hugs from my husband! So I knew I needed a boost. Four days ago I bought more B, and what a difference! I feel alive and even happy. And for the first time in forever...I feel like I want to be with friends! I had no idea how antisocial I have become until I found out one of my good friends is moving across the ocean...and she did not tell me. Another good friend recently moved out of the country and I had no idea until the day she left.
I feel like I have been an awful friend, but more than that, I want to be a good friend! And I feel like I finally have the energy and capacity to do that!

This is Fun! Loving the bread making :)

sometimes significant things sound so small....

The past couple of months have been so busy. I am in Laton 10.25 hours a day now and it sure eats up my life. Work has been good...better now that I have been making a better effort to not be harsh with my kids.

 My little girl with autism has been having a tough year. She has literally been absent at LEAST one day a week, with most weeks being two days absent. When she IS at school she is pretty much usless as a student because she is so sick, with sinus infections, a nasty cough, and even a possible kidney infection. So needless to say, teaching has been a painfully slow and tedious. Lately I have been feeling inadequate in my knowledge of autism. One day I counted ten tantrums! And she goes home at one!

She spent much of last week's speech therapy looking around the room, unable to focus on the games.

But praise God for days like today.

Today we worked on the computer with a word building game shere she was shown a picture and asked to add the correct beginning letter. At first it was hit or miss. Then I started to say the letter she needed. And she started to pick the correct letter almost every time (she had a little trouble with P). And this is just incredible! Understanding the concept of spoken language having meaning...that has been a major roadblock. She had been doing well understanding pictures as symbols of objects, but not verbal language.

So I just wanted to say it, even though it sounds teeny...

Diet...

So here I am at the beginning. I have done "diets" before, but they usually just entail feeling bad about the bad stuff I'm eating at the time and hoping to shame myself into eating right.
Not this time!
Nope. I'm actually COMITTED this time!
AND I'm exercising too!
The sad fact is that I live a pretty sedentary life aside from work. And really work is just a lot of standing around. And the real truth is that I DO eat pretty good, so long as I eat at home...
AND SO LONG AS I DON'T HAVE DESSERT WITH EVERY MEAL...
So Caleb and I comitted to exercising three times a week, and we only get to have sweets on weekends and holidays.
My sister-in-law showed me this website where I log in my meals and it calculates caloric value, taking into account calories burned during exercise. And I'm noticing that it's kind of a pain to log in snacks, so I have been refraining from most snacks AND staying below my caloric allottment.
To be honest, I want us to do this, not just to look better, but I want to live better and to have more energy for life, and to increase our years of life together.

Good

In the haste of picking a name for the puppy I never got around to finding the maning of "Tobias." I have always thought than names have a profound effect on someone's life.

Tobias means "God is Good."

How profound that that is one of the things I have been able to rest in through this whole process.

For the Good

His thoughts far surpass ours. His ways are not our own. He works all things for the good of those who love Him and who are called according to His purpose.
I hate it. But I know in retrospect, and even in the moment, in the back of my mind, that when my prayers are not answered according to my will, that God's plans are bigger...especially when the answer is brutally painful.
I know He would not let something so heart wrenching be for nothing.

Tobias died last Saturday and it left me devestated. He was only ours for one week.
I knew by friday night that he was going to die. He had not eaten for several days, and everything I forced down he would vomit. He lost his sweet playfulness and took on a somber sunken look. I had prayed and prayed that he would pull through- that he would begin eating food again before I left to camp sunday morning. I was so nervous about making Caleb take care of him day and night. I begged God to remove the disease from his body and to give the puppy a great future with us.

On friday night I gave him his antibiotics and spent a long time feeding him and giving him water. As soon as I finished he threw it all up. At that moment I knew by the look in his eyes that it was not good. I wept bitterly, feeling hopeless. I verbalized that maybe I should stay home from camp. Caleb told me he thought I should still go.
I laid him down on his blanket fully expecting him to not live through the night.
I woke the next morning dreading that I might find him dead. But he was still alive. Eyes sunken and head drooped, but alive.
I pet him and felt the coldness in his skin and saw the look in his eye that is all too familiar from having a farm.
I went back to bed and cried, telling Caleb "He is going to die."
We got up and I looked up numbers for euthenasia, so relieve his pain, finally deciding to take him to the SPCA.
We walked in and the line was painfully slow. I tried my best to not cry, but it was too sad. When she called us up I choked back tears as I explained our situation. We paid a small fee and signed him over.

When we got back to the car to get him, he had already died.

I cried all day. But even while I cried I knew...That there had to be a reason that he died that day. That he died the day before camp started.
I called my mom to tell her and she prayed like I have never heard her pray. She prayed with power and strength. She said that she had been praying that morning and felt like she should pray against the puppy becoming a distraction from my trip.
I somehow knew that camp would be incredible, but that I absolutely would not have room for distraction.

And somehow Jesus took my pain and put it on pause. I was unable to dwell on my sorrow all week.

Saturday we took about a dozen high schoolers to Woodleaf camp in Challenge, CA. It was by far the most challenging week for me as a Capernaum leader. We normally take very low functioning kids who are really dependent on us physically and emotionally. This year was completely different.
The boys were pretty normal for what we take, but the girls could not have been more different.
One girl in particular did not have a conventional disability. She has bipolar and ADHD. And let me tell you. I was very afraid. She immediately gravitated towards the bad kids of camp. We caught wind that she was planning to have sex with another camper, she hiked up to smoke pot, she verbally assaulted another of our girls, cussing and threatening to "beat the s**t out of her", she hated everything we did, refused to participate in any group activity, and fell asleep during every serious talk. We had no clue what to do with her. But this poor girl has a tougher life than I could ever imagine. She has so much pain in her life and so much hatred toward God.
A few of our campers have their fathers in prison. A couple of them have parents who are homosexual. At least a couple of them have been in trouble with the law on a handful of occasions. I cannot imagine the pain they have experienced.
All of the time I was crying out to God for my puppy her was drawing my heart into Him. As I was mourning that first day He was comforting me.
Because of the pain I experienced before this week, God had my attention and was able to grow my faith as I spoke with Him about these kids.
If Tobias had remained sick after I had left for camp I would not have been able to be fully at camp. My mind would have been home, worried about him.

The reasons don't take away the pain. Coming home and walking into my house brought on a wave of emotions. I still wonder if there was anything else that could have been done. If only I had listened to Caleb when he was apprehensive about getting a second dog...but I know that is a waste of mind space...
I will probably never know fully why everything happened.

But I know he does not waste our pain.

Troubled

Do you ever get that deep sinking feeling you may have made a poor decision?
Tobias is sick...
They told me he had kennel cough when I got him and they gave me medication for him.
He was fine until last night. Suddenly he stopped eating.
So I took him to the vet this morning...and $140.00 later he has a new set of pills, food supplement, and got a hydration bolus.
I feel so bad!
And to make matters worse, I'm going to camp all of next week. So now I have no control over whether or not he gets his treatment...
And now Caleb has to take care of him.

So would it have been better for him to get euthenized there at the shelter?

Sin

I do not understand how people can knowingly hurt the ones thay love again and again...
It's a painful mystery.
It seems like if a person took just one second to imagine what it would be like toward themselves they would not go foreward with their schemes.
I can understand mistakes, but blatent continuance...

Why does God put up with us?

Home!

Toby's home finally!!
He has kennel cough though :( but so far it's not too bad. Just have to give him pills twice a day.
He is such a good puppy though! He goes to the bathroom outside when I take him, he doesn't put things in his mouth, he sleeps like a hound (constantly)...although he absolutely hates baths. He bayed the whole time.
I love him. :)
And I am exhausted.
All this driving wears me out.
SO worth it.

Long Night, Long Day

Meeting day:
I feel a bit ridiculous saying this, but I literally could not sleep last night.
We went to bed at 10:30 and I tossed, and I turned...it was like Christmas Eve. Way too excited. I've never had an actual puppy before! Only adult dogs.
I laid there and finally at 2:30 I got up and took half a dose of acetaminophen PM.
...at three I was still wide awake, so I took the other half of the dose. I slept from just before 4, to 6.
SO I was a little afraid of falling asleep driving on the way to the shelter.
But it was definitely not difficult. It was great to have girl time with my sister. We chatted the entire time.
We made it to LA to meet our possible new family member at 15 min past opening.
And he was still there. No name to claim him.
We found him and met him, and my goodness he's SUCH a sweetie. His personality is a lot like Chester's (Chester is our other dog), only with a little more puppy spunk.
We were not allowed to take him out of the kennel.
So we had driven 3.75 hours to stick our fingers through the fence...
But it was SO worth it.
He loved me immediately, and I loved him too :)
He has the cutest ears, his feet are ginormous, and he howls a little when you get him riled up and then stop petting him. Adorable.
He will be released this coming Friday at 2 pm. I cannot be any later than 4, or they can give him to someone else...
Lord willing, he will be home in 48 hours :)

Meet Tobias.

Castles and Caskets

For the past couple of weeks I have been reading Ecclesiastes, and for the first time in my life it has had the opposite effect on me. Normally it leaves me with a feeling of meaninglessness...I mean the word is used endlessly throughout!

Nah, THIS time I have this overwhelming PEACE! Never expected THAT from the book about how pointless everything is...

Being married kind of puts an emphasis on financial security, making those "ends" meet. The cost = many hours away from the one I love and many disheartened days of attempting to encourage him as he's overworked, manipulated, and grossly underpaid...I sometimes forget. I forget that God knows what's going on in a world where so many things don't seem to add up.

Solomon was the wisest man and yet he knew that even the wise die like the foolish. Sometimes the wisest of all get the shaft, while the fools live on forever. All that is meaningless...

Solomon was the richest person alive, and had every kind of pleasure he could desire, yet he still did not find satisfaction in this.
A man can work his whole life saving and striving to make a life for himself, and all that can be gone in an instant. Or even if it stays around for a while, that man still dies, and never reaps the reward of his labor. Some man he never knew could be the one who enjoys all of his hard work. So working and striving are meaningless...

We camped in San Simeon this weekend and went to tour the great Hearst Castle. The place was just immense! It had tapestries, choir chairs, imported fireplaces, statues, intricate ceilings, a movie theatre, an enormous outdoor pool, and a smaller but still vastly enormous indoor pool with gold inlaid tiles surrounding it. The upkeep was just ridiculous. They said that to clean (not even to restore) the ceiling in one room it would cost millions of dollars.
And get this. He owed so many back taxes when he died that the whole estate had to be "donated" to cover the cost.
What a legacy after a lifetime of hard toiling, dreaming, and collecting.
He did not take any of that with him. He died just like any other Shmoe...Meaningless.

In the end, being the wisest man in the world, all Solomon could muster with his wisdom is: "No one can comprehend what goes on under the sun. Despite all his efforts to search it out, man cannot discover it's meaning. Even if a wise man claims he knows, he cannot really comprehend it."

So what...?
"Go, eat your food with gladness, and drink your wine with a joyful heart, for it is now that God favors what you do. Always be clothed in white, and always annoint your head with oil. Enjoy life with your wife, whom you love, all the days of this meaningless life God has given you under the sun-all your meaningless days. For this is your lot in life and your toilsome labor under the sun. Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with all your might, for in the grave where you are going, there is neither working nor planning nor knowledge nor wisdom." Ecc 9:7-10

"Fear God and keep His commandments, for this is the whole duty of man." Ecc 12:13b

I think so many times we can become so caught up in "figuring it all out," finding the meaning to all that surrounds us. We catagorize, diagnose, and try to box it all up with a pretty bow that says "well bad things happen to good people because [insert philosophy here]"...and so on.

Newsflash: Life's not always pretty! If you've lived longer than a couple of minutes you might have noticed that. In fact life can be downright like a pile of human diarhhea sometimes. And it gets on you, and it gets on me, and on everyone we interact with. So messy! And most times it comes so fast we don't have time to get help from a shrink.

So what can we do??
Rely on God, who sees all, and knows all.
A lot of times I think about how confusing this world is, and I search and strive for meaning and consistency and a reason for every rhyme...or is it rhyme for every reason?...and I think: maybe God made it confusing just to confuse us. Maybe he doesn't want us to know everything, because maybe...just maybe...he wants us to rely on Him, and to trust in what we KNOW about HIS character. Maybe we'll be a little more centered if we stand on a firm Foundation.
I mean we DO know that He is trustworthy.
We know He is for us, and that He loves us deeper than we could possibly imagine.
We know that He is preparing a Home for us that will put all homes to shame.
We know that He is working everything together for His purpose. And that His purpose is for us to know Him and for us to become more and more like Him through the refining process leading to Holiness.
...I could go on and on.
And maybe I should.
Maybe I should rest in the peace that comes from knowing that even though I don't have it all figured out, I am deeply loved and protected by the One who does!

And so I will do the best with what I have, and walk in the joy and gladness that comes from being grateful for the ones I have around me.

And for the One who gave everything to know me.

We're adopting!!.........a puppy.

I know. It's not the same. But it's a heck of a lot cheaper.
I read that with human adoptions there are usually at least two required trips.
The first trip it to meet the child, and the next is to finish required paperwork and visa information.
This process usually takes AT LEAST $40,000! Not including airfare. Holy crap, that's just an unfathomable amount of money for me to comprehend when I have never made more than $10,000 a year.
Caleb and I would definitely be open to adopting a child one day.
But for now, just a puppy.

"A4311776" is quite a different story. His adoption fees will come out to about $100. Unfortunately I will have to do the two trips though. Anyone interested in adopting an animal must come in person to put their name in. This ensures the dog not be euthenized on day 5. Once an interest has been established, then "day 5" becomes neuter day. Once the dog is recovered from the surgery, then he can be released. BUT on release day another person could come in and swoop to adopt the dog. So you must be there at opening to lay claim.
The shelter is in LA. That's 3.75 hours away without traffic. And we all know LA traffic...
So that's a whopping 15 hours of just driving in one week, and that doesn't even ensure that we will GET the dog!
Is it worth it?
You tell me...

Communication

In the past few weeks I have been working a little with sign language with my little kindergartener at work. And WOW, she's been whiny :)
I'm starting to take her whining as a good sign because it seems to mean that she's learning (reminds me of an old rusty machine starting to work, the gears creaking in protest).
She now signs "more" and "shoe".
"More" is for bubbles and cookies, and shoe is for her little game of shoe tying she loves so much. So long as I don't double knot them, she immediately pulls the strings loose and pounds her fists to sign "shoe".

Tomorrow I get to take some friends' kids to the zoo. These children will ask questions, and verbally complain... :)

I will never take for granted my future childrens' ability to communicate

Courage

Some days I can feel so exasperated I just want to cry, but I know that won't make it all go away.
This morning started like that.

 One of the students had a complete meltdown.

That would actually be an understatement.

So when I went to help with fifth grade yard duty I was not afraid.

Just mad.

...and not afraid.

In the afternoon I found out I would be watching fifth grade after school program.

...I was not afraid. And I had no trouble...except some students complaining about how quiet the class was :)



Fear kinda has a way of being relative to the circumstances you are faced with.


I guess that's one reason to be happy when hard times come.

Picture Exchange Communication System (PECS)

Let me tell you.
PECS cards are beautiful!
The autism specialists came to teach us how to teach Rosa how to use pictures to ask for objects.
She picked it up right away.
Now she asks me for "tickles" and "hug." Friday she asked me to "tie shoe" :)
So proud of her!

Thursday marked the beginning of 10 hour days in Laton.
I get really tired, but I LOVE it!

Milestone!!

Today she pointed!
Over the past week or so she has begun handing me things to help her with.
She hands me string so she can cut it.
She hands me a pencil so I will write...so she can erase.
She puts her (dirty) shoe in my lap so I can tie it.
And in the past couple of days she has taken to handing me the pencil so she can have me trace her hand.
Today she kept handing me the magnetic pencil so I could write letters on the little doodle board...so she could erase them.
I decided to see if I could get her to point.
It took me about 10 tries and suddenly she started forming a point with her own hand!
Immediately the "light came on" and she pointed by herself!!
I wrote the letter she had pointed to.
She stopped. Looked up at me. Intensely leaned close to my face, and opened her eyes really wide.
And smiled.
She got it.
She realized the power she had to make a decision. Suddenly she knew that she had control over what I would write on the board.

Oh, the little joys of my day :)

Victories

Tuesday she asked me for help by putting her shoe on my lap. That same day she learned the difference between "small" and "big" shapes. She's beginning to make eye contact. Today she watched me blow my nose, then imitated me when I put a tissue up to her nose. In the last two days she has taken to untying her shoes just to watch me tie them. She watches intently. She copies facial expressions and some non-voice sounds in the mirror. She smiles at me. Today I learned she hates rain in her hair. She learned how to open the umbrella.
Little victories.
I love this little girl.

A Difficult Topic

Hypothetical situation:
(We'll call her) "Ally" and her sister (and possibly her baby brother) are autistic. Ally's mom has a developmental disability. HER three or four siblings do too. Ally's grandparents also have disabilities.
What do we do with a situation like that? How can we prevent such a strain on governmenal resources? Historically they used to (by government order) sterililize all children with disabilities, saying they did not want their genes to be passed on. Many might think this is a good way to go about it.
But think about the logic:
A person should be sterilized because they are not a fit parent. They woud basically be children raising children.
BUT then who's to say who is a fit parent? I know plenty of non-disabled adults who are unfit parents. So then say we stretch that out to include them. Then instead of an invasive sterilization we say "it is now illegal for anyone to reproduce who is not fit to be a parent." Now we will need a check list of all of the qualities that dictate a person is a "fit parent." Now we have to track down anyone wanting to become a parent, so that we can test to see if they are parent-capable. But then (woops) a teenager gets pregnant. Now what? Do we force abortions?
What kind of a world would that be? I can name a few countries that might be similar to...

So instead of that, OUR country does not discourge unfit people from having kids. They simply take the children away...and put them into group homes, where sitters change every few hours (many of these sitters hate their job). SO now a child spends the rest of his or her life sitting in a corner of the room rocking back and forth and drooling on themselves...
What can WE do.
I guess we're not called to fix the whole system.
I guess we are caled to love.
So maybe that's a good place to start.

Day two. MAN my head hurts

I met my student today! :) She is an absolute sweetheart! She came right up to me and put her face in mine and yelled. More like growled. Then she grabbed my hand and we were friends. She is completely non-verbal so far, but I think she's smart. I can see her actually processing things. It's really fun to discover the world through her eyes. Her senses are all really heightened so she hates noise, light, smells, strong tastes, and pulls away if I touch her hand unexpectedly. She loves music and I can hear her humming sometimes. She hates to eat anything but candy, but she actually ate half a chicken patty today. Many teachers were impressed. We had a really good day, and I am excited for tomorrow.
Now for the news:
Before Rosa got there, the principal pulled me aside to ask me a question. She wanted to know if I would be interested in an afteroon sub job, from 1:30 to 6pm. I would basically be helping kids with homework, playing games with them, and helping out with administrative duties from time to time (like imputting attendance). Since my Aide job only goes to 12:30, that works perfectly. God is good! :) I knew He wanted me to take this Laton job, but I knew by al worldly standards it was the inferior job. God knew.
Now my predicament:
I still work for an elderly lady, running errands and fixing miscellaneous things around her house 6 hours a week (M, W, F). I have already moved that to after 1:30, and with this afternoon job out in Laton, I would not be able to get back into town until after 7:30. I could go straight there and shop for her, but that would mean I get home around 10. Not gonna go over well, being married and all.
So I talked to MV today to let her know my predicament, and we decided that I would start coming only twice a week (probably t, th), and I would stay for only an hour. She would have to have her grocery list ready in advance so we don't waste time getting it put together. She wil also save a great deal of money this way.
My ony concern is that that still gives me two 11 hour days a week. DO I want to do that? Maybe for now. Maybe this is just a season of saving. I will not always work, so maybe it's ok for now.
We'll see.
Time for a nap. I'm exhausted.

New Job Day One

So today was the day. I'm amazed I slept! I have been so nervous anticipating my first day at Laton Elementary. And I have been dreading the thought of waking up at 6am. I am NOT a morning person. Just ask Caleb.
Anyways, so I got to school in pretty good time, without too much traffic, and I went to the office. The principal wanted me to wait a few minutes for my student to arrive...and about 15 minutes later the office got a call from my kid's mother saying they were "sick".
DAHH!
SO my first day went alright. I accustomed myself to the room, looked at some of her assignments, helped tutor a little gorl with some math, and helped with lunch duty. The kids were great. I kept having little girls run up to me and ask me my name. One of them ran up to me and gave me the "cheese touch". Luckily I just watched "Diary of a Wimpy Kid" two days ago so I knew what they were talking about. Another girl told me to give it to her. I helped walk them to the playground. I was the caboose of the line and got to talk to a few of the students. One girl asked me if I got paid to walk at the back of the line. They were fun.
So tomorrow I meet Rosa.
Off to study up on Autism education.