I Must Admit...

Many of my family members have struggled with "chemical imbalance." So it's difficult for me to admit that most of my "adult," post-high-school life I have struggled with Depression. And I know it usually stems from Anxiety. What happens it that I have always been one to internalize and personalize everyone's emotions. I'm not really sure why this happens but it completely whipes me out...and I'm guessing my immune system and adrenal glands as well. If I have time to think about it I will try to sit down, uninterrupted, and submit my worries to God's control, and that always helps. But aside from that I seem to always have this lingering....almost sadness??...more of a lack of well being, like I know something's off. Unfortunately I tend to try to point a finger to find something or someone to blame.
Recently it has been in my marriage. I KNOW my sadness it not because of something Caleb is doing wrong, but it seems like the blame falls on him because of proximity.
I had an amazing teacher at Fresno State named Dr. Price-Sharps. She taught Abnormal Psychology, and it was the most intreaguing and engrossing class I took. I was on the edge of my seat every class, AND it was a night class. I never even almost fell asleep. She was teaching us about depression and I asked her if it was worse in the morning. She said no! She explained exactly what that was. She went on to tell the class about Adrenal Fatigue. This is where a person who is stressed overuses their adrenaline supply. Adrenaline accounts for many good things. And once it is depleted, it is difficult to replenish it without some extra help. B vitamins are supposed to work wonders for this. I took my first pill a couple of years ago, and it seemed to give me a tiny boost of happiness.
Then I came across a sub-lingual B Complex from the B Alive store, and just as the lady told me behind the counter- after three days I began to notice a marked difference. It was as if a dark cloud had been lifted from over my head. Last semester I got pretty good about taking one a day at lunch, and I stopped needing a nap to get me through the day- even though I was working long hours with many children. Then my supply ran out and I put off refilling it...for about four months. And recently I have been seriously moody. Everything agitated me, down to stoplights, and hugs from my husband! So I knew I needed a boost. Four days ago I bought more B, and what a difference! I feel alive and even happy. And for the first time in forever...I feel like I want to be with friends! I had no idea how antisocial I have become until I found out one of my good friends is moving across the ocean...and she did not tell me. Another good friend recently moved out of the country and I had no idea until the day she left.
I feel like I have been an awful friend, but more than that, I want to be a good friend! And I feel like I finally have the energy and capacity to do that!

This is Fun! Loving the bread making :)

sometimes significant things sound so small....

The past couple of months have been so busy. I am in Laton 10.25 hours a day now and it sure eats up my life. Work has been good...better now that I have been making a better effort to not be harsh with my kids.

 My little girl with autism has been having a tough year. She has literally been absent at LEAST one day a week, with most weeks being two days absent. When she IS at school she is pretty much usless as a student because she is so sick, with sinus infections, a nasty cough, and even a possible kidney infection. So needless to say, teaching has been a painfully slow and tedious. Lately I have been feeling inadequate in my knowledge of autism. One day I counted ten tantrums! And she goes home at one!

She spent much of last week's speech therapy looking around the room, unable to focus on the games.

But praise God for days like today.

Today we worked on the computer with a word building game shere she was shown a picture and asked to add the correct beginning letter. At first it was hit or miss. Then I started to say the letter she needed. And she started to pick the correct letter almost every time (she had a little trouble with P). And this is just incredible! Understanding the concept of spoken language having meaning...that has been a major roadblock. She had been doing well understanding pictures as symbols of objects, but not verbal language.

So I just wanted to say it, even though it sounds teeny...

Diet...

So here I am at the beginning. I have done "diets" before, but they usually just entail feeling bad about the bad stuff I'm eating at the time and hoping to shame myself into eating right.
Not this time!
Nope. I'm actually COMITTED this time!
AND I'm exercising too!
The sad fact is that I live a pretty sedentary life aside from work. And really work is just a lot of standing around. And the real truth is that I DO eat pretty good, so long as I eat at home...
AND SO LONG AS I DON'T HAVE DESSERT WITH EVERY MEAL...
So Caleb and I comitted to exercising three times a week, and we only get to have sweets on weekends and holidays.
My sister-in-law showed me this website where I log in my meals and it calculates caloric value, taking into account calories burned during exercise. And I'm noticing that it's kind of a pain to log in snacks, so I have been refraining from most snacks AND staying below my caloric allottment.
To be honest, I want us to do this, not just to look better, but I want to live better and to have more energy for life, and to increase our years of life together.

Good

In the haste of picking a name for the puppy I never got around to finding the maning of "Tobias." I have always thought than names have a profound effect on someone's life.

Tobias means "God is Good."

How profound that that is one of the things I have been able to rest in through this whole process.

For the Good

His thoughts far surpass ours. His ways are not our own. He works all things for the good of those who love Him and who are called according to His purpose.
I hate it. But I know in retrospect, and even in the moment, in the back of my mind, that when my prayers are not answered according to my will, that God's plans are bigger...especially when the answer is brutally painful.
I know He would not let something so heart wrenching be for nothing.

Tobias died last Saturday and it left me devestated. He was only ours for one week.
I knew by friday night that he was going to die. He had not eaten for several days, and everything I forced down he would vomit. He lost his sweet playfulness and took on a somber sunken look. I had prayed and prayed that he would pull through- that he would begin eating food again before I left to camp sunday morning. I was so nervous about making Caleb take care of him day and night. I begged God to remove the disease from his body and to give the puppy a great future with us.

On friday night I gave him his antibiotics and spent a long time feeding him and giving him water. As soon as I finished he threw it all up. At that moment I knew by the look in his eyes that it was not good. I wept bitterly, feeling hopeless. I verbalized that maybe I should stay home from camp. Caleb told me he thought I should still go.
I laid him down on his blanket fully expecting him to not live through the night.
I woke the next morning dreading that I might find him dead. But he was still alive. Eyes sunken and head drooped, but alive.
I pet him and felt the coldness in his skin and saw the look in his eye that is all too familiar from having a farm.
I went back to bed and cried, telling Caleb "He is going to die."
We got up and I looked up numbers for euthenasia, so relieve his pain, finally deciding to take him to the SPCA.
We walked in and the line was painfully slow. I tried my best to not cry, but it was too sad. When she called us up I choked back tears as I explained our situation. We paid a small fee and signed him over.

When we got back to the car to get him, he had already died.

I cried all day. But even while I cried I knew...That there had to be a reason that he died that day. That he died the day before camp started.
I called my mom to tell her and she prayed like I have never heard her pray. She prayed with power and strength. She said that she had been praying that morning and felt like she should pray against the puppy becoming a distraction from my trip.
I somehow knew that camp would be incredible, but that I absolutely would not have room for distraction.

And somehow Jesus took my pain and put it on pause. I was unable to dwell on my sorrow all week.

Saturday we took about a dozen high schoolers to Woodleaf camp in Challenge, CA. It was by far the most challenging week for me as a Capernaum leader. We normally take very low functioning kids who are really dependent on us physically and emotionally. This year was completely different.
The boys were pretty normal for what we take, but the girls could not have been more different.
One girl in particular did not have a conventional disability. She has bipolar and ADHD. And let me tell you. I was very afraid. She immediately gravitated towards the bad kids of camp. We caught wind that she was planning to have sex with another camper, she hiked up to smoke pot, she verbally assaulted another of our girls, cussing and threatening to "beat the s**t out of her", she hated everything we did, refused to participate in any group activity, and fell asleep during every serious talk. We had no clue what to do with her. But this poor girl has a tougher life than I could ever imagine. She has so much pain in her life and so much hatred toward God.
A few of our campers have their fathers in prison. A couple of them have parents who are homosexual. At least a couple of them have been in trouble with the law on a handful of occasions. I cannot imagine the pain they have experienced.
All of the time I was crying out to God for my puppy her was drawing my heart into Him. As I was mourning that first day He was comforting me.
Because of the pain I experienced before this week, God had my attention and was able to grow my faith as I spoke with Him about these kids.
If Tobias had remained sick after I had left for camp I would not have been able to be fully at camp. My mind would have been home, worried about him.

The reasons don't take away the pain. Coming home and walking into my house brought on a wave of emotions. I still wonder if there was anything else that could have been done. If only I had listened to Caleb when he was apprehensive about getting a second dog...but I know that is a waste of mind space...
I will probably never know fully why everything happened.

But I know he does not waste our pain.

Troubled

Do you ever get that deep sinking feeling you may have made a poor decision?
Tobias is sick...
They told me he had kennel cough when I got him and they gave me medication for him.
He was fine until last night. Suddenly he stopped eating.
So I took him to the vet this morning...and $140.00 later he has a new set of pills, food supplement, and got a hydration bolus.
I feel so bad!
And to make matters worse, I'm going to camp all of next week. So now I have no control over whether or not he gets his treatment...
And now Caleb has to take care of him.

So would it have been better for him to get euthenized there at the shelter?