I have always heard that marriage works to unearth a person's selfishness. I'm not even married and I can see that death lurking in me. Marriages are falling apart all around me and as I hear their arguments and discussions, all I hear is selfishness and pride. Biting words and low punches. I want my marriage to work! I want so badly to not have my parents' marriage. I want to believe that love can last past the wedding day. The best marriage encouragement I have received came from my friend Denise. She told me "It gets even better after you get married." I don't hear that much at all.
But I recently have been able to more clearly see a disease inside of my own heart. One of selfishness. It's rooted so deeply that I have not been able to see it. It needs to die. I cannot expect my marriage to be of any value if I go into it wondering what's in it for me. My mind wanders into a plague of worry. I complain deep in my soul that I have to give up so much to be a wife. I have to give up my name. I have to give up my privacy. I have to give up my time to cook and clean and do laundry.
That is what I have been mulling around in my mind, especially on days I am tired.
This is how I have been thinking. And it's awful.
Because honestly, I hate my last name. I hate how difficult it is to spell it. I hate that this name has carried shame and failure over generations. I hate the pride with which I have carried it.
I hate privacy, because when I am alone I miss him. When I worry, he is the one to calm me, and to pray with me, and to hold me close.
And lastly (but certainly not finally), I love to do things for him! I love to make him food, because he is so grateful to me, and he always loves my cooking, no matter how badly I have burned it or what strange spices I have thrown in. I love to do the dishes because it looks nice. I love to have a clean kitchen and a tidy house!
Here is my problem. My mindset is ugly! I so easily focus on the negative aspects of life. But if I take one minute to consider the beauty and the positive things, I find I am blessed beyond what I could have ever imagined.
I have been believing the lies all of the bitter couples have been saying about how terrible marriage will be. It's almost as if I keep looking for the things that will make it horrible; looking for the clues that everyone's right; looking for reasons to store in my complaints file.
Oh, Lord ! Save me from myself! Save me from the lies of Satan! You love marriage, so I know it's supposed to be glorious. Help me lord, because I'm so very selfish and ungrateful.Thank You for Caleb! Thank You that you are making our hearts one. Thank you that You have given me a man who is attentive to my needs and who understands me better than any other human. Thank you that we get to be married and to figure out marriage together. Thank You for marriage and that it will tear my selfishness away. Have mercy on me, a selfish girl. Teach me to love and to be grateful. Help me to get past my needs and agenda. I need You to break the cycle of divorce in my family, and to break the ugly disrespect and selfishness that has destroyed so many families.
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Saturday we started cleaning out Grandpa Leo's house (our future home). We scrubbed cupboards and bleached them. We threw away nick-knacks and boxed up extra dishes. It was SO great! I loved it! I loved becoming acquainted with my soon-to-be home.
There's nothing living I hate more than cockroaches. They make my skin crawl and give me the heebie-jeebies! We hoped that by doing all of this cleaning we would eliminate the bug problem, but even as we worked, a couple of them came out to see what the ruckus was.
Caleb said there were a few out today as well. I HATE them!! But it is still better than having to pay rent or live in an apartment! We will need to take this issue up with our bug guy.
Later last night we went to Karen and Josh's wedding. Oh my gosh!! I can't believe they are married already!! The time has just flown by!! That means that there are just under five weeks left until OUR big day!
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